Sunday, July 31, 2005

Birth Story

Thought I would take a moment and fill you in on the birth story as it seems I would be a bad blogger if I didn't! All day the 25th I felt really crampy and weird. I had a feeling that the end was near, but nothing was really happening. We went to bed at 11:00 and I was going to get up to go to the bathroom about an hour later when I felt like I had wet myself. I jumped out of bed and woke Davey up, "I wet the bed!" I really thought I had, but when it kept trickling down my legs we figured it was my water so we called L&D and they said to head on in. At this point we started to panic, we were actually going to have a baby! Holy Crap! I then decided that before I actually had a baby, I needed a milkshake and a breakfast sandwich so we hit the drive thru and ended up at the hospital.

They gave me a gown and told me they were going to run an IV. This being my first hospital stay, I had no idea how much the IV hurts to install....OUCH. I told them that I would like any and all fetus-safe pain meds available to me and they gave me something wonderful that really helped the contractions. When the time came for the epidural at 10:00 am they gave me something they called "anti-anxiety" and I swear I was so out of it the epidural seemed like fun. I happily dozed the afternoon away and they had started pitocin to increase contractions, which was fine with me, I was sleeping. At about 3:00 they told me I was complete and it was time to push. Now, I had noticed I was starting to feel pressure with each contraction and things were getting painful. My mother grabbed one leg, Davey the other and I started pushing. I was totally sober, awake and in P A I N.

At this point, I asked the midwife for perineum massage and she did, but with each push I realized that I was going to tear. I felt like I would break in two. Davey was by my side and I remember at one point I was in so much pain I grabbed his hand and begged him to pray for me and he just held me and prayed. I was so afraid to tear, I stopped pushing very hard. I told the group that I was no longer interested in this, that I did not want to give birth anymore. The midwife was getting concerned, but no one would say why. All of a sudden there was an internal fetal monitor, I was hooked up to oxygen and there was a team of special docs and lots of activity. Later my mother told me that Goldie's heart rate was dropping with each contraction. A nurse brought in a stepladder which I thought was strange too. Suddenly the midwife said that if I didn't push her out with the next contraction she would give me an episiotomy and suddenly I was all about pushing!! I pushed till I thought I would pass out. The nurse with the ladder climbed up and literally PUSHED the babe out under the pelvic bone. Everyone was screaming to push and then, in one movement, she was out. They laid her on my belly, and she was perfect. We cried. I was so grateful and it was a moment I will never forget. My little Goldie, 6 lbs, 15 oz.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

My Baby

Goldie Rose

Friday, July 29, 2005

Mushy Mushy

Probably another short post, but let me tell you, I think that this is the absolute happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I always knew that I didn't need a husband or baby to feel like a complete person or to be ok with who I am. But the fact that I have been blessed with most makes me want burst with love. This is the craziest damned thing. I look at her little face and can't believe that she is mine. I see Davey holding her and taking care of us and I just get filled with a type of peace I didn't know existed. This is where it's at and what it's all about. I always thought it was about me and my freedom and not being tied down and doing what I want when I want all the time. I was wrong.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

She is perfect

Just a quick note to thank all of you for your kind words and support. I am absolutely in love with my child. Will post pictures soon. Goldie is so friggen adorable I could eat her up with a spoon. Seriously folks.

Breast feeding is going well, milk has arrived, the ladies a little sore, but am icing those puppys and keeping them slathered with lanolin. My secret that I would definitely recommend to a friend is only doing one side per feeding so that each nip gets a four hour rest. It is working for us, so don't give me any crap internets! When she gets too hungry she gets too upset to latch and that is when we both sit and cry. Tonight is our first night solo at home. I hope that everything goes peachy. Anyway, will give the whole story as soon as i am coherent enough to remember that the diaper goes on her bottom, not her head. Love peace and tenderness. Out.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Update to the internet

Hi Internet, This is the Davey. I had to swing home to grab a couple of things and felt I must let everybody know the particulars. SHE IS THE PERFECT BABY!! MY GOD...I AM SOOO IN LOVE!!!! Labor was easy (she will sing the praises of the epidural and I thought she would dump me for the anesthesioligist), delivery was hard (her description) 14 hours all told from hospital arrival to birth time of 4:18PM. Goldie weighed in @ 6 lbs 15 oz and is 19 3/4 inches. Baby daddy was a blubbering fool when she came out in all her crimson juicy glory and I cant stop grinning. What could be better. Thanks for the good wishes from all and we will post again in a couple of days.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Here we go!

OK kiddos, my intuition was water broke and we're on our way to the hospital. Will update when we get home, they will keep me 48 hrs. after delivery so not sure when I will be home. I am scared out of my mind. Really scared about the epidural, needles and the fact that I will probably rip....YIKES! Anyway, prayers and good thoughts are welcome. Wish me luck!!

Monday, July 25, 2005


I am actually starting to think that we are getting into the home stretch. I am feeling sort of laborish, maybe. I know that some folks start looking for every twinge as an indicator of labor, but I am just feeling weird/crappy enough to think that it might actually happen within the next week. Lots of contractions, stabbing pain etc. Looks like another evening of DVD's and laying down....just what the dr. ordered I think.

In other news I have been getting more serious about developing a serious hunt for jobs I can do at home. Ideas are welcome!:)

Sunday, July 24, 2005

The end of an era....

What a great day! It was so nice to see Davey relaxed and not feeling pushed to finish a project. We just hung out, played cribbage, ate junk food, rented movies and it was awesome. We were both strung out tired when we finally got up today, which is weird because I have never seen the man sleepy. I think my hormones might be rubbing off on him saying that we had better get some rest now.

I have been re-thinking the whole trying to shake the baby out thing. Maybe I should just let her cook awhile longer since I will have to go to work sooner and get less paid time if she is born now. I think I will try to hold myself back and just let her come when she is ready.....which does not by any means imply that I will cease the adult activities:) I just am feeling like things are going so well in my life right now, that even though I can't wait to meet our daughter, I am savoring the end of an era that has been wonderful.

Are we done yet?

So I have officially decided that it is time to evict the little beast from my impressive belly. I am either 37 1/2 or 38 1/2 weeks (depending on who you ask) and so opperation entice the baby to the outside in on! Not exactly sure how I will accomplish this, but I am on the case. Walking and adult activity on the menu today to try to get things moving!

For the first time since I have known him, Davey and I slept in today until 11:00, it was crazy awesome to sleep in, maybe our last chance for awhile. Aw hell, I guess our last chance forever! Anyway, I think we are going to check out garage sales, get coffee and tool around a bit today, should be fun!!

Friday, July 22, 2005

A quandry

Good morning internets! As D-day approaches I am finding myself in a huge quandry. What the hell am I going to do about my job? I am supposed to go back late Sept/Oct and I am feeling horrible about it. Even though Davey and I will each be working partial weeks until 1/1 so she doesn't have to go to daycare until then, I am so stressed about leaving a tiny baby with strangers. Not to mention the cost. I figure it will cost 1/3 of my take home for daycare. We can conceivably live fine on his salary.

I am just so confused because these thoughts are SO not me. I am a career-motivated person. I like to work (just hate this particular job) I went into massive debt to get my masters degree. I hate housework. I just can't imagine leaving my babe all day and only seeing her an hour a day and on weekends. What I really need to do is find something I can do from home for a couple of years. AHHHH this is so frustrating! Damn you maternal instincts and the havoc you are bringing into my life!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Nipple update

I was really surprised by how many of you could relate to the boob issues I am having! I was instructed by The Davey to make a proclamation on his behalf: He still likes my fact HE LOOOOOOVES THEM. He is a very wise man, he is dealing with a 9 month pregnant woman whom he is stuck alone in a house with no one to help him should said woman experience mental breakdown due to nipple darkening/strange bumps appearing on nipples/weird not-homogonized human milk-type substance emerging from said nipples. Smart guy that husband of mine. I think I'll keep him.

He has learned an important lesson. Several months ago we were lying in bed and he rolled over onto one of the droopy ladies. Without thinking he said "wow baby! Those are dropping!" Within a milisecond I saw his face fall, hands cover his face and apologies stream out his mouth tears started streaming down my face. Poor bastard. I know he didn't mean it as an insult. Besides, he says that when he first met me the Bob Seger lyrics got stuck in his head "points of her own, sitting way up high."

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

My Rack

I was never a particularly attractive person. Always been chubby,and while I never had to wear a bag over my head in public, I was nothing spectacular. I did have some good features that seemed to balance out my mediocrity. I was the proud owner of the best rack in P-town. A solid C-cup, set unusually high up. So firm and perky that I did not have to wear a bra if I chose not to.They were a sight to behold.

Then I got pregnant. These babies are never going to be the same.They are starting to sag a bit. They have changed colors and gotten bumpy. I think a harlequin romance would label them 'pendulous'.

I think I will spend the rest of the day mourning my poor breasts of yesteryear.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Many people say that one of the best things about living in Oregon is that it is relatively cool (read rainy and miserable) for most of the year. And this has been a year more miserable than most. But when the sun comes out, all of the pastey people that have been hibernating all year long crawl out of there hovels to behave like absolute freaks. We are experiencing an extreme "heat wave", alright so it creeped above 90, but compared to our normal 60 degree weather it is extreme enough to warrant a special section on the news "Heat wave '05, will we be able to survive?" incredible.

One side effect the heat does have on pregnant folks (namely me) is is that the swelling greatly increases. We got lucky last night and my husband called his friends that have a pool at their house and snagged us an invite. The water felt SO GOOD! I paddled my big tuckus around for a couple hours and never felt so relaxed. I think I might dig up my long-forgotten gym membership and head to the pool today. I have a big pink swimsuit that I am finding makes my belly look so enormous that it dwarfs my gigantic legs. I swear I get more attractive by the moment.

a tender moment for my unborn daughter:

Dear Goldie,
I know that things are getting a bit cramped in there. I have done as you instructed and subsisted on cocoa pebbles and english muffins so that you could grow up big and strong on artificially vitamin fortified processed food. Would you do one thing for me please? Either move on to the outside, or cease stomping on my intestines. It is really starting to hurt. Thanks a lot. Mom

Saturday, July 16, 2005

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Friday, July 15, 2005


So last night I was lying in bed reading, as I have become totally wrapped up in books since I've been home. I was thinking to myself "I hope I can figure out how to read and breastfeed" That thought led to, "I will probably go to the library a lot" that led to " I wonder if THEY will let me take the baby to the library." Who are THEY you ask? I guess I was still running under the assumption that someone would be telling what I should/should not do with with the baby. Then scary reality set in, I am going to be in charge of this kid. YIKES. I will be making choices for her, dressing her, feeding her, letting others hold her. This is some scary shit.

I am 37 weeks pregnant and just this morning I discovered which baby bits are which in my belly. She is rolled into a ball on my left side, head down, and I know exactly where her scrawny behind is. The doc examined me yesterday and I am still over 1 cm dialated, head is engaged. She said that the babe is REALLY low and that is just how I carry. Doc thinks that my pelvis is wide so that is why she is snuggled so low and that I am not crazy for feeling like there is a head rolling around down there because there is in fact, a head rolling around down there. She also thinks that nothing looks like it will happen within the next few weeks. Cool with me!

This is just getting too weird.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Summer Vacation...Sort of

Today has been totally splendid and it isn't even 11:00! I went to my Dr. appt. and she decided that I should not go back to work!! I never thought I would be so excited about being declared disabled. But when I saw the paper that releases me until September 21st I almost passed out. I feel so free. I can sleep in every day, I a can cook. I can clean (well, now, let's not get carried away) Wait a sec though. I am 9 months pregnant. I can't even bend over. Maybe I really am disabled. Crap. Oh well, at least I'm not stuck at a desk all day. C'mon little baby, you can come out whenever.......mama's off work!

Monday, July 11, 2005

More Confessions....

So I have decided to reveal my best pregnancy secret that I am sure will alienate more than a few of the internets. I sleep fairly well at night (well, maybe not great, but compared to what I hear from others, I think I am getting more peaceful rest than many.) My guilty secret is that since I first experienced night sickness for the first 6 months of this journey, the doc told me I could take unisom or benedryl to take the edge off. And I do. Every night. The doc reasured me that my baby won't come out with a third eye or the IQ of a flannel shirt even if I take it every day. Hey, if it works I am all for it, believe me, I am sure this has saved my marriage because dealing with a sort of rested pregnant me has to be 1000x's better than living with an exhausted unhappy pregnant me.


On a more positive note.....I only had to get up ONCE to pee last night!! ONCE! I can't tell you how awesome it felt!


I am officially feeling done with this pregnancy, since this is my blog, I reserve the right to bitch unabashadly and write down all of the gross things that are happening. So, lets start with the dis, I think it is raining in my pants that has led to me needing a panty liner to try to salvage my cute panties. Next, the psudo-braxton hicks that make me feel like I cannot breathe whenever I am in a sitting or semi-reclined position. Finally, and this is the worst of it, the sharp, stabbing, mind-numbin pain that feels like a knife is stabbing my cervix from the inside. Seriously people, I drop to my knees and cry when this happens.

I will say that I am sort of getting into this baby thing, which is awesome since I will have one of my very own in less than a month. I have a bag packed for her and me, well sort of packed. I even organized/washed her clothes. Today I hope to get her bedding washed and put on the bed. I am so happy to finally be feeling excited to meet this child! I am also excited about the prospect of exercising and being in control over what foods sound good. I really really want my body back. Especially after watching Celebrity Fit Club and realizing that I weigh way too close to as much as Wendy the Snapple Lady. hmmmm, Snapple...made from the best stuff on earth, yummmmm, Sorry folks, gotta run to the store.

Friday, July 08, 2005

I've been waiting for a good time to break the news...

Thank God it's Friday and Davey has the day off so we can spend some much wanted time together! We are taking advantage of the day by shopping (hemmoraging yet MORE money) for the baby stuff we still need. Boring stuff like the bathtub, diaper champ type apparatus and little socks (alright, the little socks aren't that boring!) We still need to figure out the bassinet situation, but I think it will work itself out because, and I was wondering how to break the news to you, but, (sigh, deep breath)internet, I do not plan on co-sleeping with my baby. I know this comes as a shock and I hope that it won't affect our relationship, but I don't even plan on having my baby in the (gasp) same room as me to sleep for more than a month.

You see....I have a guilty secret that only my husband knows about. Sometimes, late at night, after a long hard day, I just want to close my door, take off my clothes, and actually sleep! Without worrying about smothering my offspring or listening to their (cute as they may be) coos and sighs. Don't worry, I will leave some breast milk in the fridge for her to get up, heat and have a snack when she's hungry.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


So I am stuck home pretty much all of the time trying to entertain myself so I should be stress-free right? WRONG. I am so freaked out about my job that I crumble and start to contract every time I think about it. Since I wasn't supposed to go on leave for another month, nothing was ready when I got put on leave last week. My boss, while I believe he is a good person underneath, believes in supervision by terror. All of my co-workers and I were put on a 12 month probation when they gave us a raise and were due for our 3-month review last week. Everyone said that they were ripped new assholes and that it was just awful. Since the jefe always tells me i am the worst of the bunch, I can only imagine what awaits me when I finally get back to work.

That said, I have been sneaking into work (um, I am supposed to be in BED) for an hour at a time trying to get things in order and thus prevent further problems when other people are trying to fill in. I can't believe BABY's HEALTH may be in jeapordy, and I can't stop stressing about my job. Please send prayers and good thoughts, I just need to let it go. Sorry for the rant.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Dear Baby

Dear baby of mine,

I've been doing a lot of thinking about you lately since the day we will meet face to face is fast approaching. I lay awake when you are squirming around trying to find a comfortable spot and settle in for the night. I think about what you will look like, what you will smell like, what kind of person you will be. I have so many hopes and dreams for you. You have been in my dreams since I myself was a little girl.

I know I have done so many of the wrong things during this time we have shared a body. I just pray that you won't suffer for my indescretions and selfishness. Prayer seems to come easy these days. I pray for your health. I pray that I can make it through your journey into the world.

When I'm not praying I am dreaming about all of the things I hope you will have in your life. I hope that like your mom and dad, God will give you an extra heap of sparkle that will make you shine and show the world how special you are. I wish for you the ability to learn, understand and grow. I hope you find the love of family and understand how important it is to connect with your people and know where you come from and that you will never prefer video games to a game of cribbage with your grandfather. I hope that life is difficult enough for you that you will understand that the struggle is the most important part of the journey, but that your dreams are always in your grasp.

I pray that you work in a restaurant in high school. Maybe one that makes you wear a funny hat. Everyone needs to learn humility and there is something about super-sizing that seems to do the trick. I pray you study hard and get good grades. If not, I promise you will pay. I hope you will go to college even though you are scared and have no idea what you want to be. I promise you will figure it out while you are there. Besides, college is a lot more fun than working at Jiffy Lube.

I commit to you that I will always listen to your side of the story and not accuse first. I promise to raise you in a Christian home and eat dinner as a family at the table every night. I promise I will never, no matter how much you beg, put a T.V. in your bedroom. I also commit to you that no matter how tired and worn out I am, you will never get what you want as a reward for behaving badly. I pray you have many friends in your lifetime, the kind of friends I have been blessed with. I pray you never settle for a man who treats you badly to avoid being alone. Lonliness can teach you so much about who you are. I hope you can forgive me for all of the mistakes I will surely make along the way.

Above all else I wish you to have the gifts of patience, understanding, open-mindedness and laughter, the qualities of perserverence, loyalty and sincerity. I hope you have the kindness and gentleness of your father and the joy and ability to see beyond the moment like your mother.

Although we aren't and will never be ready for you, we are anxiously waiting your arrival.

Welcome to our family. You are wanted and you are loved.


Your mother

Sunday, July 03, 2005


Well I have been threatening to add a post here for a while so why not now? I gotta process some shit today. They found the remains of a 4 year old who had disappeared in our area a couple of days ago. His step-grandmother is suspected of killing him. WHAT COULD A 4 YO DO TO DESERVE THIS? I have always been teetering on being anti-capital punishment but ever since I became baby-daddy I start to see the justification for a heinous mofo so f'ed up to commit an act like that to be eliminated.... PAINFULLY! Take a long time too!

I needed to say that...

Onto more hopeful subjects...We finally got the crib. Hopefully the hole in my backside that the money is falling out of will soon close up, although, I am advised that it won't for several years. It has been a treat (really!) watching the girl nest away...doing laundry like a champ and sorting out the mini(these things are so small) clothes that our generous friends and family have passed along. We are so fortunate. I am going to keep nagging her to sit down most of the day or her feet will turn permanently pillow-sized. I really don't want to hear things like 'honey, my vagina feels like it is bubbling’ or ‘damn the kid is punching my butt hole’. It is a bit unsettling don’t you think? Some of the folks that were at the open house last Saturday called this week to make sure the girl checked in with the mid-wife. Don't piss off the aunties...they will fuck you up! The rest of the weekend will consist of getting the nursery ready, setting up the crib, etc. We will listen to the blues festival on the radio this year. All those out of the area oughta check it out on kboo-fm. This is one of the few years I have missed and will definately take the little one there next year. Mom oughta still be on her post-partum bender by then and ready to party. Despite the occasional rant as was witnessed above I do have to say life is good. More soon.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Be careful what you wish for

So, you know how much I have wanted to stop working, well the good news is I am off work, the bad news is that I have pre-term labor.

I was not feeling well at all Weds. night and Thurs. so I went in to the dr. sure that they were going to say I was crazy again, but this time I had started dialating and am 70% effaced. Not good. Especially since the doc thinks that I am 1 week behind where I think I am which puts me at only 34 weeks 2 days. I went to the hospital where they told me that they would give me a shot to stop the contractions (every 2 min) and put me on modified bed rest but would not aggressivly stop labor since I am far enough along that the babe should be fine. All I can say is HOLY SHIT! I am not ready to be a mother! I am terrified of giving birth! I am SO FREAKED OUT! we have no crib.

I want my mommy.