Just Another Saturday with Goldie

I was totally going to tell you about our trip to the zoo today:

But I have laundry to do. Maybe tommorow.

Um.Hi.

Well Hello there! It appears that the entire Internet is stopping by today, thanks to some love from Amalah over at Club Mom. After I crapped my pants ,I started thinking that Wow! I better get right on it and post something so great that all of these fine folks will come back for a visit and we will be new BFF's!

Instead I have been sitting here drooling over my keyboard and filling my toddler with goldfish to avoid giving her actual attention ("mama, look!", "sorry baby, mama is trying to woo the Internet right now. have another goldfish!") trying to think of something interesting. Nothing. Panic. So here is all I can come up with under this kind of pressure: Holy shit! Thankyousoverymuchforcomingtomylittleblog. Please come back again next week when I will have some actual words and stuff and things! to say! And the words! They will be funny! Most likely! I hope!

That is all. And might I say that you look great today. Did you do something new with your hair?
Did you lose some weight? My, my, your teeth are so white! And straight! And..... oh fuck Kirsten, shut up already.

Bienvenidos

It has recently come to my attention that people I know in real life are reading this little blog. People who know, you know, Things! People! who know that my hair has been in a ponytail for the past 5 years! People! who remember what I dressed up as for halloween in 1985. People! who know that I used Febreeze instead of doing laundry between 1996 and 2000 People! who know.....who know....who know..They know my MOTHER for Chrissake.

I've given it a lot of thought and my first instinct was shut up already and to go back and censor all of my past posts, and pray that no one ever sees them for fear of what the People! will think. Then I stopped hyperventilating and I came to my senses. These are all People! I love and who for the most part, love me. So....um. Hi. It will be business as usual around here and I welcome your readership.

I will say that as a result I have decided to rethink the post I was planning entitled "IUD, I heart you" where I described in detail why I had to google: IUD+Strings Poking+Vagina+Ouch. Did I mention that the People!, they know my mother?

The Princess and the Potty Chart

*


The evening of Potty Party Day 2007 was a tough one for all of us. Goldie couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. We were stressed out. I had to decide what to do. Do I turn tail and reapply diaper or stick it out? Being the stubborn broad I am I decided to stick it out. I am so glad I did. The little bugger figured it out the very next day and has only had a handful of accidents since last Friday. She pooped in the potty today without any prompting. I never wanted to hug a turd so badly in my life. I would say she is about 90% there. Here is the lowdown:

• Goldie is in real panties all day except for Pull-Ups for naps/nighttime. No exceptions.



• When she wets her pants (4 times in one week) She cleans up the mess to her ability and changes her own clothes. I remind her that I don't like her to wet her pants sternly, but not angrily.



• I have her check potty once every 30 minutes to avoid accidents.



• I plan on spending about a month with the half-hourly checks.
  

I am so proud of my big girl

*While it may look like Goldie's handwriting on the potty chart, I assure you that although she is extremely bright, it wasn't her. A stranger with really bad handwriting broke into my house with a sharpie when we were sleeping.

Reasons #5489 and #5490 that I am an old lady

As further proof of the fact that I am indeed an old lady (we already know about my taste in music) I present: The Shower Cap. I use it at night so I don't, you know, Catch My Death.


Also, I give my children cod liver oil, every morning.

Don't worry, Goldie apparently has no taste buds and she takes it quite happily, as long as I give her a SMOOOVIE!! MAMA SMOOVIE!!! PWEEESE!! chaser.

We interupt potty training to bring you irresistable cuteness

After a full day of solving the worlds problems through interpretive screaming, Ruby takes a well-deserved nap.

Because Dick Cheney Likes Dry Pants

I have received several inquiries about the method I used for potty training and since so many people are interested in the toilet habits of my toddler, I feel obliged to share with the entire Internet, which I am sure she will be thrilled to hear about in 10 years. I'll be sure to bring it up when I meet her first boyfriend and I don't think this sentence could be any longer so I will just keep it going.

Ahem. As I mentioned in a few days ago, we used the original copy of Toilet Training in Less Than a Day by Nathan Azrin. By original, I mean like 1971 where they warn that if you don't potty train you could be spending upwards of $200 annually on diapers. Jeepers. This method is not for every one. It was definitely for us.

After weeks (months?) of careful planning my mother and I settled on a date and went for it. We chatted up panties, potties and bodily functions for weeks prior. Goldie knew that something was going down. The night before I read the book several times and went to the store for supplies. I bought some special snacks (whole grain goldfish, fruitaboo, pringles and M&M's, of course) some juicy juice boxes, Elmo sippys, a potty chair, balloons, stickers and poster board for a potty chart. I sent the baby with a friend and kissed Davey goodbye as he left for work. We were all set for a regular potty party.

We started at 7:30 a.m. I woke her up with a big smile and enthusiasm for what we were going to do. We put her right into her new panties. She beamed. Immediately we started in with the drinks. After all the special stuff she could have had, she really just wanted milk so milk it was. This method involves doing a running commentary about the potty. "Mommy pees on the potty. Grandma do you pee on the potty? You do! That's great! Auntie likes to pee on the potty. Will Goldie go on the potty? You know who really likes dry pants? Baby Ruby likes dry pants. Your 3rd cousin twice removed uses the potty!" Ad nauseum.

We followed instructions fairly closely. I stuffed her full of treats like a pinata. Her little belly bulged. She peed her pants 4 times and accidentally went on the pot once. I wanted to cry. I felt like a total failure. Goldie was stressed out. She was afraid to use the potty. But she would sit on it. That evening we arrived at a crossroads.

Stay tuned for the conclusion because my eyes are starting to cross I am so sleepy.........

Monkey See.....

The world according to Goldie: Actual ways I find her babies

Babies like to swing! Fabric softner sheets keep them warm!

Time to switch to the other swing with a pull-up for a blanket.

At naptime we put sissy on her belly to sleep, but shhhh! Don't tell anyone.

Then we let her practice sitting up

Potty Break!

And then we hit the road with daddy's boxers and some nipple cream!

And that Elmo doll was something that Davey pulled out of a claw machine at the grocery store for a dog toy like 5 years ago and then we left it in the yard for a whole winter. Someone told us that babies like Elmo so being the total assholes we are, instead of buying her a new one we shook off the mud and slime, threw it in the washer and voila! Goldie's new best friend.

Success!

For all of you who are playing along at home, Goldie is now using her potty for pee pee! Turns out she had a case of stage fright and can't perform with mommy sitting in front of her shouting: Do you have to go pee pee? You need to relax. How about now? JUST RELAX. NO, BABY YOU MUST BE CALM SO YOU CAN GO PEE PEE IN THE POTTY!! Once we left her alone and turned our backs, she flowed like Niagra. Go figure.

Toilet Training in Less Than a day

We here at Chez Davey are in the heat of potty training since Weds. I am using the "Toilet Training in Less than a day" method because I really agree with the principles behind it and I am of the school of thought that when I determine that my child is emotionally/physically ready and it is in her best interests to learn something, it is my job to teach her. Lovingly? Yes. Does she cry? Sometimes. But she also cries because she hasn't found a way to inject Elmo directly into her little heart to stop the craving. If I were allowed to choose when I was ready to be potty trained I would be a consumer of Pampers Walkers- Made for Dorm Life with Corona Bottle print!

The training has worked for her except for the small problem that she is terrified to pee on the potty. She will sit for hours until the precise moment that she can hold it no more and then she stands, runs and pees on my wood floor. Interestingly enough, at the precise moment that she runs and pees, I lose my damn mind. Coincidence?

I have been thinking of alternate names for this book:

• How Many Loads of Laundry You Can do in a Day
• How Much Urine you can Clean up in a Day
• How Many M&Ms a 30lb Person Can Nosh in a Day
• How to Make your Head Explode in Less Than a Day

I will give the full update next week, for now I must wrestle The Dress onto my Giant Ass (come and get me google baby)

Bridesmaid

I'm going to be a bridesmaid this weekend for one of my bestest friends. I love her so much I am wearing the most unflattering dress I have ever put on. My husband can't even fake a compliment I look so bad. I'm into this dress about $250 with alterations. I figure I look just about a buck a pound.

How'd you get here?

So looking at how people are finding this site is sort of freaking me out.

• Hello guy from the Nederlands! And Ireland! And the South Bronx! We probably don't have the kind of Giant Hooters you were looking for here. Go Fish.
• To the "Screaming infant while pooping" and "38 weeks pregnant, stabbing vagina pain" and "toddler getting molars"folks. Girls, I feel you.
• If you are able to type "how to poop" into google, I'm afraid there is no hope for you.
• Thanks for reminding me that I am #1 for "manary gland" in google.
• For the person who found me by "my baby's poop smells like sour milk" I must admit you caught me off guard and now my stomach is turning.
• To the purple hooter people: They are back to a normal color now, thanks for caring.

Milk Monger

Presenting.....my little baggies of freedom! Exactly 156 oz., but who is counting right? Calculating a consumption rate at less than 32 oz per day, we are talking 5 full days anywhere but hanging out in my recliner with a person attatched. What kind of sick bastard actually lines up their frozen milk to admire and then actually takes time out of their day to take a picture of it?

Moo.

Baptism

Yesterday was an important day. The day I gathered up all of my family and friends and forced them out of bed, into chugging coffee to stay awake and into the church so they could be with me and my little preshus baby to watch her get baptized. She will have the same Godparents as Goldie with the addition of two new ones. Ironically, we have 4 Godparents total and nary a one of em' is a Christian. Go figure.

Ruby is very suspicious about what is going on
She looks so damn cute in that dress!


Her Godparents look very solemn and church-goer like, good job guys



Davey also joined the church (Gotcha Sucka!)

The things we do.........

For a good night's sleep. Mother of the year I'm not. Well rested, I am.

To my homeskillet Blair

We are going to a graduation party tonight for one of my favorite people. Blair is an awesome chick who has a bright future in front of her. It makes me think about when I graduated and how it seems like it couldn't have been 11 years ago. I wish I could have told the 17 year old me a few things about life:

1. You aren't as fat as you think you are. You will become as fat as you think you are in about 9 years. Enjoy the time you have left and wear cute panties while you can. Many Hanes products are in your future.
2. You aren't as desperate as you think you are. You don't have to put up with the assholes who are going to come into your life. You would be better off alone. Except for Cesar, and that one guy in Mexico. oooooh, maybe two guys in Mexico. Ohhhh and that one right after college. And...oh. Anyways, you will meet your mate in about 8 years. Trust me. You won't die alone.
3. You have good judgement. You aren't as dumb as you have been led to believe. You actually make some pretty sweet choices.
4. Enjoy the ride. Don't worry so much. Everything is going to be A-ok.

And I still dress like an 18 year old. Thats me and my bff Blair. Congratulations girlfriend. You are going to be ok.

The Leash

When I was a parenting expert prior to actually having conceived, carried, given birth to or raised an actual child (I was also a pregnancy, birth and lactation expert) I thought those assholes who dared put their preshus baby-waby-snuggle-bunkins on leashes were absolutely barbaric. I mean, if you wanted a dog to walk, why not just go to the animal shelter and get one. Sheesh.

Well, now that I am no longer an expert and am just a regular asshole trying to keep my toddler from shoving glass in her maw I see things a little differently.

Dude, it's totally not a leash. It's her backpack.

The Girls

Goldie had a great time at her friend Kaylee's 2nd birthday pool party. Unfortunatly, Kaylee still remembers the time Goldie chased her with a big wooden dowell and when we arrived at the party, Kaylee greeted us with "Goldie and the pole! Goldie and the pole!" Atta girl Goldie. You sure know how to make friends.

And how is Ruby doing? Well, I will let her tell you her herself:

Ipod Confessions

Dear Kirsten,

Hi, um, this is your Ipod. Yes, your Ipod. Small. Green. Nanoish. I know it is probably a little unnerving to get a letter from me, but I figured it was time for us to have a little chat. When I was being packed up in the factory, I had big dreams about where I would end up. The fun I would have. Hopefully in the company of a firm college girl in Tampa. I started to worry when that big goofy man picked me up at Costco last December and I realized that there would be no long jogs with aforementioned firm coed when I saw you open me up on Christmas. I could have dealt with that.

The real problem here lady, is your playlist. I have made a game of it and can only find exactly one song that was recorded in this decade. And what's with the James Taylor, Juice Newton and Bob Seger for like 40 songs worth? How old are you anyway? Have you seen your toddler working on her Night Moves lately? Well I have and it is scaring the shit out of me. Speaking of your toddler: My technology was not designed to play crap like Raffi or The Wiggles. You have to be shittin' me. Baby Beluga THIS, lady.

In closing. Please consider checking out some new music. I can no longer handle the humiliation.

Thanks,
Ipod

My Little Mama

I'm not sure whether to laugh or get therapy

Kissing Cousins

We were so lucky to run into our cousin Miranda at Washington park last week! I think they hit it off. What do you think?