Monday, March 31, 2008

Happy Birthday Roob!

The birth story is finally here! One year later! Whatevs, I been kind of busy. More for me than for you, but I suppose you can read it if you want to. It's going to be REALLY long. And not funny. Because it hurt like hell and I hated every second of it. Love the baby, hate the process.I write it because I want to remember. I want to continue the lovely tradition that my mom has of telling me the story of my own birth each year. I also may need to be reminded that I really don't want to do this again. Really.
Here goes:

I had no idea I was pregnant when I took the test. I was going to use an ovulation predictor kit and someone suggested I take a test just to be sure before we started the opk. Two lines. NO WAY. This is, like 3 months before we planned on trying. David is going to kill me. Bahhh. Once we got over the shock like 5 min. later we were super excited.

Pregnancy is not kind to me. I barf. I am nauseous. I am depressed. Horribly, terribly, depressed. There is no escaping the nausea. I need to sleep. I have another baby who needs me. I am literally counting the days. I retreat into myself and stop answering my phone, emails and generally become a hermit. People get worried. I get worried.

About two weeks before my due date I started feeling like she might just fall out at any moment. I was really short of breath and was generally feeling ready to go at any moment. Goldie had come two weeks early so I was hoping, hoping, hoping.

The day I went into labor, my friend Anthony came over with coffee and to keep me company. He very kindly went with me to bring Goldie into the dr. because she had a MAJOR diaper rash that I knew wasn't clearing up and I wanted to get it taken care of before I had the baby. Anthony came with me because I could no longer keep up with a very busy Goldie in the dr.'s office and had contractions when I carried her.

Man, these contractions are starting to hurt.

That night I wanted to get out of the house to distract myself and so we went out to pizza. I remember wondering if this was really labor and feeling sort of strange being in such a public place with so much going on inside. I didn't want to get David excited so I tried to be calm, but I was having pretty hard contractions all through dinner.

We put Goldie to bed and I convinced myself that this was just another false start so just go to bed already. I fell asleep, but was having dreams that I was in pain. David came in to go to bed and I woke up and realized that I really was in pain, and these contractions were 4 min. apart and no joke. We gots to go.

Mom showed up about midnight as I was trying to hastily pack my bag because I hadn't wanted to get my hopes up too early. I must have looked pretty funny because I was sort of wobbling/bouncing around the house stopping for contractions that were frighteningly intense and long.

David made me sit on a towel in the car because he was convinced that my water was going to break . Being the piggish person I am, I made Davey stop to get me a strawberry milkshake before we went to the hospital. What? You know that you totally wish that you had thought of it when they starved your ass for a 12 hour labor.

Every 3 min. now.

When we got to the hospital, things slowed a bit, but I was definitely in labor and they asked me if I wanted to sit in the tub. Sure, why not. Except you have to get naked. And Davey stepped out to get my pillows. And a nurse had to supervise me getting undressed because of the IV. Aww nawws. This was one of those humiliations that you never forget, but the nurse was so kind and I will also never forget that.

Long story short, the tub? Not relaxing. My contractions worsened in there and by the time I got out, I was writhing in pain and begging for an epidural. The only thing I remember about getting the epidural was being so completely miserable that I simply stared into my mothers eyes who was sitting across the room and wept as softly as I could so that the needle would find the right spot. At first it was heavenly, everything was great and I caught several hours sleep. Then two things happened. First, I was deemed to not be progressing fast enough so they gave me pitocin, then they broke my water. The instant that my water broke, the pain started. But only on one side. I thought I would die. They came to fix the epidural, moved me from side to side, but the pain continued. One half was in no pain, the other was experiencing pitocin induced horrific contractions every minute. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE EFFING NURSE SAID TO ME? " Well you need to feel SOMETHING or you won't be able to push. SOMETHING? Like maybe the sensation of having my insides RIPPED OUT, STEPPED ON AND SET ON FIRE? DOES THAT COUNT? So, they didn't believe me. Then a miracle happened. I realized that there was no one to help me and I was going to have to do this myself. I reached down deep and found a type of peace that is hard to describe and I focused on breathing away the pain. I squeezed my eyes shut and didn't open them for several hours. I took control. I shhhhhed doctors, nurses and my husband. I asked them to stop talking and joking. I was in charge of this show now.

As things progressed, I knew I was getting close and the only way I felt better was to push. They told me not to push. So, I lay there, very, very quietly and pushed enough to balance the incredible pressure and I must have looked like I was pooping. Maybe I was. I didn't care.

When I was getting ready to push, I finally opened my eyes and saw Good Friend Mindy directly in front of me across the room. With a camera My legs were not closed. I said some very unkind things that I had to apologize for later. Sorry Minds.

When the time came to push her out, I went with all my might. I was in so much pain I looked at my 90 lb. midwife and said JUST FUCKING GET IT OUT. She threatened me with an episiotomy and I shut up.

Finally, Finally, she was halfway out. And she was warm. And she was healthy. And she was apparently being choked by the tiny midwife who was wrestling her butt out of me and it was very, very weird. They had to wait for the placenta to detach because she had a very short cord. When I saw her, the cutest baby I had ever seen, I noticed her birthmark on her forehead and immediately wondered if it would get raised and hairy and omg the kids on the playground are going to tease her and can you please get me the name of a good plastic surgeon? Ahem. Does she have ten toes?

And there she was. This daughter, this sister, this girl. The one who completes us. Whom we love beyond all reason.

Happy Birthday My Roob, For you are the reason I myself, was born.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Poop. It smells.

You know that it is going to be unpleasant when you walk into your toddler's room during naptime and the first thing you hear is DON'T TOUCH MY POOPER, followed by a smell so foul that a port-a-potty at the fair would have been aromatically pleasing. Yes,, there was a major eruption of Mt. Feces, yes it had been sitting there for at least 2 hours, and no she had not been crying. She had been smearing. On her feet. And smiling. And laughing. Guffawing. I think I heard a chortle.

Cleanup involved a shower, a bucket and a lot of laundry.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Proud Parenting Moment #6907

Within one hour of each other I both had to pull over the car, blocking traffic, to pry a blue plastic Easter egg from my toddler's jaw as she had tried to shove it into her throat and couldn't breathe, AND found my baby chewing on a cigarette butt. We do not smoke.

I feel very small. Halp.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Mean Mama

Not to much going on here at Chez Davey. The main thing has been that Goldie is going through some kind of Boundary Testing That Threatens To Kill Us All. This has manifested itself through whining, begging, crying and CLOCKING ME IN THE FACE. When that final one happened I channeled my mother, gritted my teeth and got up in her 20 toothed grill and scared the binky out her mouth if you know what I mean. I actually created wind that blew her hair back and I think at one point I actually roared. I don't think she will hit me again. Also? Today the whine fest over NO DRESS I WANT A SHIRT chant, while she was strapped in her car seat that didn't seem to have an end resulted in me Pulling This Car Over If You Don't Stop Whining. She whimpered NO DRESS I WANT SHIRT, very softly and it resulted in the aforementioned pulling over and possibly another round of Meet My Deranged Mother The Lioness.

This behaviour alternates with the sweetest angel toddler who help with everything, including when I found her lugging a 20lb bucket of dish washing soap across the house because it was not in it's place. I think she has a future in bodybuilding.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A good weekend

Today we journeyed to my longtime friend's house for The Hunt. This is a long standing Easter tradition of candy filled eggs and occasionally bloody stumps. I was stoked to pass this day on to my children as I watched Goldie's eyes get wide as she FOUND ONE! NOW WHAT DO I DO WITH IT AGAIN?

Roob had a good time too. She spent her day crawling on the floor looking for bits of treats and possibly plastic choking hazards to ram in her cry hole. She eventually found a piece of Styrofoam that my brother in law fished out of her mouth and gave me the Glary Glare of Incompetent Parenting, but I was like I'm really sorry I am not watching my children right now, but can't you see that I AM TRYING TO EAT CANDY HERE? Really.

In other news, we are now proud owners of a hot tub that is bringing much joy and pruny fingers to our lives. Goldie keeps asking to go in, but I feel that would be counter intuitive as I got the hot tub to relieve the stress that having two small children incur and bringing them in so that they can complain about trifles like "I'm hot" ,"My flesh is melting" and "I think sissy is drowning" is not exactly what I have in mind.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

My little sailor

Tonight while we were enjoying our dinner, we heard Goldie muttering something over and over under her breath. I thought it sounded familiar, but were unsure and so I finally asked her what, pray tell, was she saying. She looked up at me, square in the eye with a huge grin across her face. "Fuck it, Fuck it, Fuck it," she announced. Unfortunately, raw emotion took over and I tried as hard as I could to stifle a smile because it was so damned funny. And inappropriate. But I failed. I did what any crazy person would do and I jumped up from the table and ran to hide my giggles in the kitchen.

Davey, my brilliant co-parent, thought quick and came up with an explanation. "See Goldie, you upset Mama so much that she had to leave." I feigned sobs for a few minutes before returning to scold her.

Very clever, my love. Very, very clever.

Sunday, March 09, 2008


I have recently found that if I want to find time for myself, then I must simply reach out and GRAB IT WITH MY GRUBBY PAWS. I have taken up long, er, well, 45 minute or so walks ALONE at my favorite fitness trail. It has provided me opportunity to reflect about things that aren't related to poop, Dr. Seuss or OPEN THE BABY GATE FOR ME MAMA. AGAIN. I just plug in my Ipod and start trekking around. Very Slowly. Seriously, elderly people with canes pass me. Whatevs.

Who knew that you could find your inner peace while listening to The Humpty Dance?

Friday, March 07, 2008

The darndest things

Tonight, we had a real treat for dinner when Davey brought home steaks. Goldie surveyed the table to make sure that everything was equitable and that she had not been left out of any culinary deliciousness that graced our table. She noted that Mommy had meat, Goldie had meat and DADDY! HAS BIG MEAT!

Big meat indeed.


At the risk of becoming The Illness Blog, I must tell you that our family has fallen ill to yet another cold, this one not quite as severe as the last. I thought I was going to beat the rest of the colds this year because of all The Vegetables and The Garlic Pills. Bahh. Because I have time on my hands, I started a chart and it is clear that we were well for less than 14 days before this one came. Obviously God hates us.

Also? I am totally walking around the house with bits of Kleenex shoved up each nostril because I NEED 30 SECONDS WITHOUT BLOWING MY NOSE OK?

Stop looking at me like that.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


If you saw a woman in a minivan chugging liquid out of a sippy cup this morning, that was me. I wanted to bring my sugar free chai and almond milk with me and there were no other portable fluid vessels around. I felt like a genius. A 29 year old genius drinking out of a sippy cup. In a minivan. Help.

I also promised to publicly declare that Davey was right and iwaswrong when earlier this week I was convinced that I was going to die and he was all "don't worry, you're fine. Calm down." Then I proceeded to freak the fuck out. Funny thing, haha, um. I'm fine. Not going to croak. So, Davey Jones YOU WERE RIGHT. Whatevs.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008


  • Ruby is a pooping machine, and by pooping machine I mean to say that we have divided the day up by The Morning Shitsplosion, followed by The Midday Craptacular, The Evening Pile and the After Dinner Turdlet. Boy howdy, the kid can poop.
  • I had the mullet surgically removed today. It was replaced by a haircut so short that I even thought I was a man until I had to use the bathroom and cleared up any confusion. My stylist obviously thought I was someone else because she kept insisting that this was the exact same cut I had been getting for the past year. I wonder if someone out there is walking around looking like me?
  • I bought spirulina and put it in my kid's smoothies. Because I am mean. The end.
  • Unfortunately I have a bad habit of giving things cutsie names and Goldie is starting to pick up on them. Today, for example, when she told me to come look at her feetsies, I got entirely the wrong idea.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Open Letter

Dear Kirsten,

Hi this is Your Hair, dropping you a line. We are fast approaching Mulletville population You.

Please Advise.

Your Hair