Not to be cliche

Do you know what happens when you blog about how well your children are sleeping? Yup. Sooooo, have spent all day trying to find my copy of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Or as we call it in our house, The Other Bible. I probably loaned it out in my smug smuggy smugness over how well my children sleep. Smugly.

Now I am trying to remember the chapter about older babies and waking up too early. I think it was something about moving the bedtime earlier. Or maybe I am just making that up.

Does anyone have a copy that could look it up for me?

Also, Lisa, love the comments, so glad you are around! Send me your email and I will fill you in on preschool stuff as I don't like to get that specific here. Not that you guys are shady, but, seriously, you might be, you know, shady.

P.S. I think that spell check is not working as it isn't catching my Constant Misspellings of the words Towell and Tommorrow. All apologies.

Random updates

I am pleased to report that sleeping has re-commenced at Chez Davey. And.....as soon as I typed that, quite litterally, the screaming started. I am going to ignore that for a moment to tell you that the Not Sleeping that I have been chronically complaining about is one of a plethora of reasons I have not been blogging much as of late. The other reasons? Laziness, slothfulness, tiredness, bad breath and the return of The Daily Show to late night.

I recently discovered that Roob does, in fact, know how to crawl. Quite well in fact. It is just that she chooses not to. With that type of athletic prowess she is sure to to be picked last on the 3rd grade kick ball team in PE. Will have to work on that.

Tommorow I will be going to check out a preschool for Goldie to attend in the fall. Can't believe that my baby is going to off in the big world without me but am certain she is ready by the way she insisted that I remove all boogers from my nose before we could proceed with our dinner conversation. Very civilized indeed.

Now with less vacation!

Greetings! Do I look tan? Oh. I guess you're right, burnt would be the more accurate description, but oh well. We arrived safe and sound after a l o n g flight where I was convinced that our plane would be reduced to a crumpled pile of wreckage and doom after a particularly rough patch of turbulance. Also? Dirty stares from fellow passengers upon their discovery that I was in possesion of two small children who could go off at any time and destroy their enjoyment of a heartwarming movie about the love between a man and a cute child starring The Rock. Awesome.

Some random things you should know:

• If you are going to travel abroad and hire a nanny, be sure that your child and the nanny speak the same language. Otherwise your child may begin to exhibit signs of frustration and confusion that may include: Not Eating, Not Sleeping and EATING YOUR SOUL.
• We took showers on Saturday morning before we left Mexico. Our next showers took place today. Today is Tuesday. We are filthy, dirty pigs.
• Ruby's sleep is still for crap. She has decided that if sleeping means being Not Held for more than 1.72 seconds then she would prove to us that she can go All Night Long.
• While vacations are lovely, it is so very, very nice to be home.

Leave a Message

Hi, I can´t come to the blog right now. I am immersed in pleasure seeking activities here in Ixtapa. Somewhere between soaking in the jacuzzi on my deck attatched to our giant penthouse apartment overlooking the ocean, the all inclusive all the food and booze we can guzzle and swimming in the infinity pool creating memories to last a lifetime with my children, I am unable to find time to attend to my blogging responsibilities.

I´m sure you understand.

See you next week!

The arrival

I have a whole new appreciation for The Davey as his arrival has brought a total change in my children and made life worth living again. The children! They sleep! He was able to get Goldie back to sleep without threats of violence. Though I alone am responsible for getting the small one to give us a few more blessed hours of sleep. I so can´t believe I did this, and neither will anyone who knows me in real life: I brought her to bed with me. Now, don´t get me wrong, if you want to sleep with your kids until they are 20....adelante, go for it, makes no difference to me. It just has never been the thing for us. Not one single time. Until last night. I can see on the one hand the allure, she breathes so soft and snores so sweetly, but then there was the Why Am I Clinging to the Tippy-Toe Edge of a King Sized Bed While Someone Who Weighs 16lbs Takes up All The Room, factor. Seriously. But! We slept until 8:00 a.m. so I am going to try to keep an open mind for the sake of my sanity.

Goldie has also begun eating again, at least foods that don´t include popcicles, candy or chips. I did hear, however, Davey say something I thought in all my life I would never hear: "Drink your pop, Goldie, " I almost choked on my taquito. Wha? So, she screams for Sprite and calls it Green Juice. WTF.

I have undone 2 1/2 years of parenting in 11 days.

I would love to post more...

But I am totally consumed with the amount of Not Sleeping happening in our little apartment. My children fall asleep after hours of screaming and then awaken with more screaming several hours later, ready for the day. At 4:00 a.m. Somebody shoot me. Today I mananged to get the small one back to sleep and let the less small one run around while I tried to catch a Z or two. When I awoke, or rather, was awoken by The Screaming, I found a collection of objects pertinent to me had been positioned around my body, like maybe for a voodoo ritual. My glasses propped on my head, cellphone near my hand, toothbrush, novel and a cereal bar nearby. It was sort of unnerving but I am trying to get over it.

Davey arrives tonight!

Breathe

Today we took in a day in the country. I wish I could sufficiently describe the things I saw and felt. We started in a mercado where we bought meat hanging in an open air market and cooked it on a community bbq right there. We bought the freshest salsas, avocados, onions and tortillas so fresh that they burned our hands. The woman who sold us the meat, the carnicera, is a friend of mine and she came out to hug me and tell me how fat I´ve gotten since she had seen me last, but that my kids were cute. My cute kids took that cue to totally freak out and commence tandum screaming. Since Mexican children are so well cared for that they rarely cried, everyone was offering advice. "Dale chi chi ya" everyone said, that meant "breastfeed her already." So I did, even though the newest yeast infection makes it so painful to feed her that I weep each time. Thank God that Davey is bringing me a cure this week (Thanks Barb! Loves). She ate her chi chi and cried some more anyway.

We headed out with the screaming children on our laps in the cab of the truck, everyone else on a mattress that was mine when I lived here, in the back. Everyone wanted to take Screams-a-lot-Goldie in the back, but I think Davey would have killed me. We went to a road side distillery where they make Mezcal (sort of tequilaish) and watched the process. They suggested a nearby place by a dam where we could eat under a tree. It was perfect. Watching my girls chow down on traditional Mexican foods and then when everyone left to go close to the water, I stayed back and layed down on the mattress and gave Roob some more chi chi. It was in that moment that I felt a peace come over me, watching my friends in shadow near the water and filling my head with the clouds passing over me. Hearing myself and my baby. Just. Breathe.

It is moments like this that keep my heart here in Oaxaca.

Fine

Ahh, Mexico. Being here, wandering through the markets, taking in the smells, sights and tastes of this city make me feel like I´ve come home. The people here treat me like family and so many have taken me into their homes and shared with me their ages old traditions. Tommorow we were invited to load up into the back of a truck for a day of adventure with some friends. We will go to a market in a tiny pueblo and then picnic among the catus and armadillo. Blue skies and sun warming us. With the antibiotics continuing to flow through 3 out of 4 travelers, we should be good.

Been catching the bus a lot to get around. Out of 1000 bus drivers, I keep getting the crazy asshole who makes you jump out of the moving bus and leaves the doors open when you are standing in the doorway waiting to pay while he is weaving in and out of traffic. For a fat girl, I still have some good balance on the bus. Even with a baby on my back. People seem impressed.

Have been showing Mindy the sights and even got her to try Esquite, which is boiled corn in a cup with cheese, lemon, mayonaise and queso fresco. A delicacy bought on the corner for 50 cents. Esquisite indeed. I just sent her to the airport to get her boyfriend who I hope will like it here.

All is well. More than well. All is beautiful.

Alive

I´m still alive! Barely! What happened is that I have a crazy bad throat infection and have spent most of my Mexico vacay in dr.´s offices who have no time for silly trifles such as HAND WASHING or WEARING GLOVES. What they are really good at is having a shocked look upon looking into my throat and saying ¡Horrible! ¡Terrible! The first round of antibiotics were for naught and things kind of got out of hand. The next time I went they decided that it was time for heavy duty antibiotic injections. They told me to come back with some penicilin and syringes. ¿Que? So I found said supplies and now I have to find someone to drop my pants for every morning and get my dose. I am almost able to eat again which is great. I am so lucky to have friends to help haul my sick ass around and who think it is ridiculous that I get so fantastically sick every time I come visit. "We´ll call you when she starts barfing" my friend told the dr. on our way out last night. I guess I´m predictable. Surprisingly, I am still having fun. Such is life in Mexico. I love it here.

Thank God for Mindy and the nanny. Why don´t I have one of those at home?

We´re here!

We are now in Mexico, busying ourselves with Not Drinking The Water and orienting Mindy a bit to what she is in for. Meaning, taking care of the children who DO NOT SLEEP and then taking turns weeping. We have a beautiful apartment and the weather is amazing. This trip will teach me how happy I am to own a car. And also to know how to drive without killing people. It seems to be a skill that is lacking here.

Dear People with Firecrackers that Sound Like WMDs,

Hi. I realize it´s a holiday and all, but do you have to coincide your explosive manifestation of your festiveness with the exact moment that we finally get the baby to sleep?

Thanks,

La Gringa

This is it!

The next time you hear from me, I will be in Mexico hanging out with mariachis. Or maybe I will just be eating tacos. Or whatever, I will be in Mexico, SO STOP PRESSURING ME.

Anyway, I am packed and ready to go. Did you know that if your husband doesn't' travel with you and your kids he has to write you a permission slip, like when you went to the museum in 3rd grade? Except with a notary and less brown bag lunches. As a side not, be sure that your husband does things like INCLUDE THE DATE ON THE NOTE. Not that my sweetums would forget such details. Also? If you do not have the same last name as your children as is the case in the Wage-Stein household, you have to prove that these children are indeed yours. I personally plan on gathering them up and showering them with breast milk because really, who else would put up with that kind of crap except one's flesh and blood? A birth certificate will also work.

Ok, I have to be up at 3:45. Help.

Vamanos!

I am officially nearly, almost packed! Sort of! I have one more suitcase to pack, which is amazing because I totally thought that the entire contents of my house had been stuffed into the first two. Who knew how much crap one could pack when travelling with small children. Most of what we have packed is to be used, in one way or another on small butts. My camera has also mysteriously disapeared. I am also trying to figure out how I am going to survive without The Davey for the 10 days I will be there before he arrives. Oh! I know! Good Friend Mindy! She will be my co-pilot and co-parent for the first long leg of the trip and she has been incredibly patient with me as I have daily breakdowns full of woe and BUT WHAT IF EVERYTHING IS FUCKED UP AND YOU DONT HAVE FUN? I look forward to getting to know her in a new way and showing her another part of myself. Not my vagina. More like the part of my soul that lives in Oaxaca. Also? I want to see her eat the deep fried grasshoppers.

I wanted to let you know, dear reader, that from now to the end of the month this blog will be somewhat light on The Funny and heavy on The Travelling as I plan to blog my trip for those I am leaving behind and I will not have the time to devote to the usual witty banter that you may have grown accustomed to. Take heart! Next month things will return to normal as I re-enter the world.

T minus one day......and counting

The one where I totally promise to shut up about this already. For Reals.

Just wanted to thank my disturbingly overprotective (and apparently frequently dumped) readers for all of the encouraging emails. The onslaught of caring has made me want to make one final comment on this subject since I have turned into the spokeswoman for My Friends Don't Like Me Anymore Anonymous before I turn this blog into a pity party whose villain really isn't a villain at all, but a lovely, funny, charming person with whom I shared many great years with who just moved on with her life. It's that simple. Not a monster. Just a great girl.

Maybe we should all take a good look at our friends and be a little more grateful. We never know when the season of life is going to change and we ourselves might have to move on for whatever reason. I am woefully guilty of taking people for granted and also of assuming that I don't matter to anyone. But I am sure that my friends would beg to differ.

And if they don't I am totally breaking up with them.

Moving On

I made it a full 9 hours of fasting which is, you know, totally not very spectacular. But you know what was spectacular?! A belly full of tortillas and salsa. That's what.

On our way home I was relishing in the quiet of my car, jamming to some Bonnie Raitt when I heard a rustling. I turned around to find Goldie with a plastic bag on her head tied around her neck. I swear the child is on a suicide mission some days and when I immediately pulled over to unsnarl her she was all BUT I WAS BEING CAREFUL MAMA. Christ, I have given birth to myself.

Also, sorry for sounding like a pathetic jilted lover in the last post. I think I'm over it. I had a good cry with Davey who is so great (as ever) for understanding my sadness over something that I don't think anyone can get (you mean you lost a friend like almost 3 years ago and you can't let it go already, you freako?) and I am going to re-focus my energy on the present.

On to the packing!

Giiirl, get over it already

The packing marches on! Everyone has had a haircut besides the small one who barely has anything sprouting on her head. Each day seems packed full of farewell lunches, and dinners, and coffees and is there any wonder I am fat? Anyway, tomorrow I am looking forward to filling myself with a pre-Mexico feast of delicious homemade-by-a-real-Mexican gorditas and I am trying to prepare myself for the feast by fasting. After I finish off the last of the secret Roca stash. For real. Fasting. For at least 12 hours.

In other news that will be totally uninteresting to you, I have felt increasingly melancholy over my friend who dumped me a few years ago. You see, we traveled some together while I was living in Mexico and preparing for the beach portion of my getaway has made the heartache that I have whenever I wonder why SHE TOTALLY EFFING DUMPED ME ever more strong. Does she not remember the girl at the nude beach who had totally hairy boobs? Not that we were looking (we were totally looking). But they were hairy! Like a wolf! And what about the diarrhea? And the backpack full of rotten Mangoes? And the freeloading girl who crashed our hotel room and then I totally named one of my kids after? What about that? And the zillion times we made fools of ourselves together? And the 10, 989 million hours on the phone? And the fact that she was the best friend I ever had and she dropped out of my life without so much as a goodbye? I'm crying just remembering. I even tried to delete her number out of my phone. But I couldn't do it. I wanted to so bad, but I was like, what if she needs me sometime? Maybe. Maybe someday we'll be together again. Perhaps its because I have a newish friend with whom I have a similar chemistry with that has brought her to my mind. As silly as it is, sometimes I feel like I am cheating on her, or that maybe I shouldn't trust my new friend as much as I did her because I don't think I could handle another hole in my heart.

I'll get over it, I'm sure. Just not today.

Dilemma

The girls went to daycare this morning so I could get my hair cut and run some errands. Roob nursed at 8:00. It is now 2:00 and she had fallen asleep in her carrier and is still crapped out in her room. She normally would have eaten at least twice in The pump is in her room. The options are:

1. Wake her up and feed her
2. Allow my boobs to burst in an explosive fashion.

I keep picturing them bursting and confetti spraying the room. I think that is not exactly what will happen.

Moo

And Again

Do you remember Greaser Babies? Goldie has rediscovered it and now my brain is melting.

That is all.

The New Years Final Report

Hello Hangover! OMG the pounding, make it stop. I rang in 2008 by laying in bed (alone thank you very much) feeling full of booze and pity for poor Dick Clark because OMG, did he not make you want to cry and wrap him up in an afghan and put him to bed? Then I promptly passed out at 11:56, not having seen the ball drop, which sucks because THE BALL! WAS NEW AND IMPROVED!

We spent a lazy day with the girls, taking naps and polishing off the Almond Roca because Hot Damn that is good. Barb stopped by and brought lasagna, which is what I highly suggest you do if you ever decide to pay us a visit. Any casserole type dish will do. We had a few drinks and looked at Roob's diaper rash. A good time indeed.

Thanks for the comments and emails. I am feeling a bit more calm after crossing a few things off of my Mega Mexico List. I didn't actually do them, but I did cross them off. Very satisfying.

Three days to go. Please God let me not forget my passport. Or how to speak Spanish.