The one with alternate titles

I couldn't decide between calling this post Ruby and the Angry Ounce or Rage Against the Milk Machine. In either case I have two short stories.

Last week we went in to see exactly how much milk Roob is getting when she nurses. And! At that particular feeding it was......ONE GLORIOUS OUNCE! And I wonder why she nurses on the hour. I know that she gets a lot more than that at night and in the morning, but DUDE. An ounce. Yeah. But she is gaining weight like a champ on all those White Foods.

Because of the aforementioned OUNCE situation, last night when she woke up because her teethies were hurting again, I had a stroke of brilliance. She might drink some milk from a sippy! And also my thighs may not be as fat as I thought! And I have unicorns under my pillow! I showed her the cup, she took one sip and then did that thing that babies do when they FREAK OUT where she choked, spit, gagged and burped before the hissing started. I had never seen someone so small get so pissed off. It was a sight to behold.

Then I gave her the boob and she slept 8 hours.

The End.

We Love Erica

Today we had an adventure full of vegetables and one of our favorite friends, Crazy Aunt Erica who really.makes.shopping.fun. Erica is what I call a Toddler Whisperer. She can turn any tantrum into giggles and crisis into a game. God bless her really because while I was busy bouncing from OMG PUMMELOS! I HAVE TO TRY ONE and OMFG MEXICAN PAPAYA, I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH IT at the local Grower's Outlet, Erica was entertaining Goldie and teaching her all kinds of lessons about Why Erica Is More Fun Than Your Mother. They bopped around and made up songs and weaved the cart around and God, but I wish I had a touch of The Fun sometimes. I am more about The Eat Your Effing Broccoli Already.

God, but I love me some Erica

Things

Things you should know:

• While I was shoveling in my dinner tonight, my child actually looked at me and said with venom "How 'bout you get in there and MAKE MY SOUP." Coming soon to a rude toddler near you: The words 'duh', 'Woman' and possibly "motherfucker.'
• The Davey was out of town this weekend so I invited my favorite fellow Sangria Swiller, Barb over for a slumber party. A good time was had by all. I, however, slept poorly due to The Nausea that may or may not have come from consuming the contents of a small liquor store in one sitting and also The Effing Nose Whistle that, in the moment, had me convinced that I was going to awaken my guest.
• My armpit hair has reached such lengths that a short sleeved t-shirt can no longer contain it. Note to self: Buy long sleeved shirts.

P.S. Hey J.F.! So happy that you are reading! In other news that involves you, my New Years resolution was to let go of any hard feelings that may have resulted from The California Raisin Situation of 1989. Because, I'm all about, you know, forgiveness. Lets go out for a drink, no?

Bad Idea

If you ever have a million things to get done before your friend comes over and while the kids are napping, DO NOT have 'just a little taste' of the gallon of delicious sangria (what? It's after noon. Shut up.)you just made because you might end up drinking a HUGE harkin glass and eat a box of Wheat Thins while reading The Internet for two hours, getting nothing done.

I'm just sayin....

Where does she get this from?

Goldie just came up to me while adjusting her pull up and said that "I need to fix my my Melvin."

Then I died.

J

Where are you Karen?

Tonight began a new phase of my adult life: I have joined a Bunco group. Holy hell, if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. But! It is incredibly fun. There were snacks! And money! And presents! Also? No children! Although, when I arrived and my favorite 3 year old, Belle was still there and announced that "I saw your big bottom!" Good eye, young friend, good eye.

We gossiped and rolled dice. Good times were had by all and it appears that my children got schooled by their father who is learned in the ways of Eclipsology and they watched LA LUNA! Get DARK! Just like in Watcher of The Woods, and we all know how that turned out.....

Good Eats

I sort of got in trouble at Roob's last well baby check up. You see....the baby? She does not weigh very much. In fact she had only gained a couple of ounces over several months. And in length? Nada. zilch. zip. Since OCTOBER. Fortunately my pediatrician is not the type of person to go batshit crazy over numbers when looking at a child who has rolls on her rolls Her tiny, underweight rolls. She recommended periodic monitoring.

And that is how Operation Piñata Baby got started. She eschewed most everything we showed her at first, which is PRECISLY how she stopped gaining weight. We would offer food, but because we weren't going to get all up in her gummy grill about it when she was all, where's my boob, yo? We didn't push it. I also had made the mistaken assumption that breastmilk changes for the better as the baby gets older. Oh? What's that you say? You mean to tell me that by ten months breastmilk is mostly a carrier of antibodies with very little fat or calories? That she needs to be getting those things from food now? Fuckity fuck. So sorry my skinny little chickadee, your mother is totally unfit.

These days you can find Roob shoveling in tons of food. As long as that food is white or yellow. Bananas, scrambled eggs, potatoes, and most recently, navy bean soup by the fistful.

Bring it on Weight Check, we're ready.

Now with less snot!

It was great hearing from so many people over the past week. I feel so much better knowing that mine is not the only house in the neighborhood drowning in mucus and in need of a sanitation crew. I also feel much better now that my snot has returned to a normal color and I no longer feel the urge to saw off my ears with a rusty butter knife. Progress!

Not Funny

I was going to write a post about snot and sneezing and pressure and pain and also how my face might explode. Then I looked and it appears that I already wrote that post every day for the last two weeks.

I will leave you with a window into my life that may help you understand why My Funny appears to be on hiatus: I have a double ear infection and sinus infection. It is the second week in February and I have spent four weeks since January first on antibiotics.

I am so fucked.

**Edited to add: Take heart, dear reader, although My Funny may be broken you will be pleased to know that My Differently Abled is still up and running. I just wrote a heartfelt Valentine greeting to a friend who lives far away so that they could open it when they got to work on Valentine's day, you know, Wednesday. I find it amazing that I am able to still wipe the drool off some days.

Checking in With Google

It's been two long months since we've checked in with Google. Too long I think.

Big Hairy Bear Mama Stylist-Are you sure that she is the one you really want?

yeast in beer yellow poop-I could totally tell you a long gross story here, but I have a lot of self control. And it was green.

I am pregnant with bad cramps a big ball-Hmmm. Time to call a doctor?

she pooped her pants porn-Because sick fucks search the internet.

prunes poop diaper-Much preferable to prunes poop on your lap.

zit goatee-So glad that I am bringing this look back.

most expensive playing cards-Send me an email. I will help you come up with a better gift idea.

10 lb. boobs-Try 20.

sissy locked in plastic pants-We are actually thinking of locking them up in a more chastity belt type device. We hear that plastic can rip.

Milky Reign Lactation-Because I am the Queen.

My boob fell out-Which time? My boobs fall a lot of places these days.

Heavy Duty Mama Porn-Are you sure that the world is ready for that?

Also? To the guy in PUNTA GORDA FLORIDA searching for Goldie's Panties. If you come here via that search again I will send your IP address to the FBI. Just to make sure.

Random Updates from the Snot Factory

• The snot is beginning to subside, so there's that.
• It is comforting to know that apparently all of my readers are afficted with the same virus. Maybe you got it from this blog? Maybe?
• Ruby really, really hates having boogers pried out of her nostrils. I discovered this as I turned around while on the phone with my friend Tanya tonight hearing Roob scream and there was Davey, sitting with Roob in one arm, Goldie in the other, mining for nose gold in both girls snouts at the same time. That, friends, is talent.
• Every time I sneeze or cough, I wet my pants a little bit. I sneeze and cough a lot. The children have not only taken my life, but apparently my dignity as well.
• I may try sleeping without the wad of kleenex up each nostril tonight. Do you still want to make out?

On The Bright Side....

Having a cold made it entirely possible for me to enjoy a pathetic lunch today where the flavors of ranch Soy Crisps and orange juice totally tasted fine together. Bonus.

Me again

I think I will be re-naming this website. Henceforth it shall be known as the Blog of Woe And Despair And Illness. And Woe. Because I know everyone is all like TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR EFFING COLD . AGAIN.

Yeah. We're still sick. The end. But not really because I spoke with my dr. about my Recurring Swollen Glands of Doom and I must say that while his bedside manner is somewhat lacking, he is very thorough and the conversation went something like this:

Dr: So, you don't actually have symptoms now?

Me:Nope

Dr: And you were calling why again?

Me: I just wanted to let you know. So, um. Now you know. Yeah.

Actually he said that he thinks it is an allergy. I know you are all hanging on the edge of your seat for the next installment of The Glands That Ate my Face. Stay tuned.

This doctor also marked in my chart five years ago that he was treating me for obesity. Too bad that was BEFORE I GOT FAT. Surely I will be upgraded to obesity of the morbid type on my next visit. So theres that to look forward to.

Also! In more Rhino Virus News! The cold has rendered me deaf in one ear, in case you are interested. Which you are not. But you can pretend to be. That would be ok.

Sick Day

Both of my children and myself have come down with a cold so crappy that it has threatened the last remaining shreds of hygeine that we are currently maintaining. Goldie gets a sniffle now and again, but she has never been actually sick. Until yesterday. Poor thing was so confused and out of it that I declared a Sick Day. We stayed in our jammies, drank juice and watched Sesame Street. I still don't get, however, how children still want to play even though they feel like dookie. When I feel sick I want nothing more than to lie still, watch t.v. and then, depending on the severity of the malady, die. Not my kids. They whine, cry, refuse medicine and run around. WTF. I must help them discover the joy that is the Sick Day.



Looks like I will get another chance today.

400

I can't believe this is the 400th post to my little blog. How will I celebrate? Flowers? Wine? Porn? Tsk tsk. This is a Mommy Blog after all. Ahhh, I know! I will spend the night listening to one of my children cough so hard that I am stuck holding a bowl waiting for her to expel an actual lung while she is insisting that I FEEL GOOD MAMA while picking up the shattered pieces of my broken little heart as the small one CRIES ALL EFFING NIGHT because my breathing in the next room? Is very loud.

Festive indeed.