Random bullets

• I am a monster. No really. When I ran out of discipline ideas last weekend after Goldie looked me in the eye and told me that "no, Mama, I am not going to" for the third time that day, I had a stroke of genius. I grabbed the polish remover and with the help of one excellent co-parent, removed shiny pink paint from 10 tiny fingers. Then I went to my room and cried. But you know what? She was much more agreeable the rest of the week. Thank God she didn't touch the wire hangers.
  
• If you ever feel like you need a dose of despair, then I urge you to consider going shopping at Winco on a Friday night. Hoo-boy, thems some sad folks. I got lucky (lucky? really?) and scored a kid free shopping trip that coincided with the exact moment that the saddest people in my city decided to buy groceries. Times is hard, people, times is hard. I did manage to score some excellent steel cut oats and chiles de agua for my big cooking tomorrow so, theres that.
• Ruby has either Hand Foot and Mouth or Toddler Asshole Disease. Symptoms include: not eating, not sleeping, fever and Acting Like a Total Asshole. I would feel a lot sorrier for her if she weren't being such a, you know, asshole.
• I am discovering that line drying all of our clothes is much easier when it is not pouring down rain.
  

The llama (not the mama)

I always know that it is time to update when I get requests from my Facebook peeps (I am looking at you Katy). The past few weeks have been a lot of fun because I have dared leave the house. With my children. To do Activities That Actual Children Might Enjoy, instead of the chronically unpopular Mama, You Aren't Seriously Taking Us To Buy Pull-Ups Again, Are You? We went to the Jr. Rose Festival Parade. It was hot. We ate Mcnuggets of dubious nutritional content and Ruby drank 32 oz of iced tea followed by two days of Not Sleeping. Overall? It was an awesome day. Friends, music, clowns, people on stilts ("Mama, why is she SO TALL?") and it was one of the few times I can recall an event turning out to be as fun in reality as my expectations.




Then there was The Llama. Ruby was so excited at the prospect of seeing an actual llama that she had to go for it. And then I rescued her because that is, you know, kind of my job.

Things I Learned This Weekend

This past weekend was the official Girl Weekend 2009 . To ensure that I never waste a learning opportunity, I have compiled a list of lessons that were gleaned from the experience:

• I will always position myself in the center of the photo. Just try to get around me. I dare you.
  

• Carrie looks good no matter what she is wearing. The slow progression she made from Fancy Dress to Fancy Dress with Slippers to The Full College Dorm, was made seamlessly. She should look to new career in fashion. (Note to Carrie: My ex-boyfriend from 1997 would like his sweatshirt back, assuming the elastic has not become crunchy) (Note to self: Do not loan Carrie clothes.)
  

• 

• When properly motivated, I am able to create every underage aspiring alcoholic's dream: Sweet Sweet Booze That Does Not Taste Like Booze. Who knew that gallons of wine, orange juice, lemonade, vodka and a touch of blue curacao(for festive color!) could create such deliciousness (And nausea!) when combined in a cauldron. Bonus points for the bra hanging out of my shirt that was quickly spotted and named The Doubtfire. Am v. sexy.
  

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• I am more subject to deviant behavior in a group than I had previously believed. As a person who is extremely prone to nicotine addiction and has not smoked in years due to the desire to avoid repeating a particularly humiliating experience that involved bumming Bronco Lights off of homeless people. In a snowstorm. Hiding from my mother (and for those who must know, yes, a latex glove was involved and yes, I still smoke with the wrong fingers) Girl weekend is a different story. Cloves you say? Hmmm. Cloves are not cigarettes. Cloves are delicious! They remind me of college! (fine, high school. Fuck off.) I won't inhale! And you know what? I survived. Was great idea! Maybe I should try it again soon! Perhaps 20 or so times per day!
  

• I am gassier than I thought.
• We can certainly break it down to rap classics cerca 1992 like only priviledged white girls can.
  
• We should really do this bi-annually
• Sleeping until 11:00 a.m. after years of sleep deprivation is just as delicious as I had dreamed.

Girl Weekend by the numbers:

• # of girls=8
• Stories of high school involving mortal embarassement shared with group=867
• Persons whose preferred mode of death involves hanging and bone fracture= one
  
• Crossaints I normally consume in one year= zero
• Crossaints I consumed within 5 minutes of waking after a night with these girls=two
• # of bottles of wine consumed by 8 women in 48 hours=9
• Amount of fun spending time with these amazing women=infinity
  

Summary:

I love these girls. I loved this weekend. I love the fact that The Davey makes it so easy for me to go and have fun. I should never be allowed near a vat of dip unsupervised. Ditto for wheat thins.

Good times, my friends. Good times.