The Potty, Child Deux

Tomorrow marks the end of an era. And perhaps the beginning of a disaster. Ruby is going to get schooled, yo. And when I say schooled, I mean, she is going to sit her sweet cheeks on the potty until she goes. So help me God.

We are using the method that people either love or hate, Toilet Training In Less Than a Day. Or, in my experience, Toilet Training In Less Than Six Months and Also Making Your Child Hate You. But, it works for us. She has been throwing subtle hints around that she is ready, saying things like POTTY PWEEEEEZ and pulling her pants down.

I put her in her last diaper, bought a new potty seat, juice, candy and a 5th of vodka to keep me busy. Am also hoping that I can regain my ability to swallow my own saliva by morning and that The Asshole Tonsils of Doom will behave for the day tomorrow. Have never looked forward to surgery more in my life.

Wish us luck.

My Bad

Actual email I sent this afternoon:

On Thu, Feb 5, 2009 at 4:26 PM, Kirsten Wagestein wrote:

Hey!

Roob is not good and we are off to urgent care here shortly, she is coughing so hard she is choking and hasn't eaten in 3 days. Poor little pooper.

Goldie is still sick (I think) because she is being a TOTAL ASSHOLE and, yes, I just called my kid an asshole. Usually when she is this bad something is wrong. She just started saying that she can't hear and so I am wondering if her ears hurt, but all I know is that a 3ft tall person was throwing a tantrum on my goddamn floor at 1 am and I was contemplating murder. This is so hard. Also David is gone tonight. Fuck me.

Love,

Kird

Verdict after returning from Dr:

OMG, so remember when I called my kid an asshole? Ha ha, funny thing because it turns out that the asshole? IS ME. So at urgent care it was their regular doc and so while she was with Roob I asked her to look at Goldie real quick and the verdict? Two kids with 4 ear infections, Goldie's eardrum is bulging. Yeah. So I took them out for a guilt meal at taco bell in their jammies and filled them up with beans and antibiotics. Am wonderful mother. I think I will go stick my head in the oven after I call CPS on myself.