Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
Finally, going on 3 years after you passed away, I went to visit your grave today. Laying down on my belly in the grass and running my hand over your headstone while the evening sun went down somehow felt like the right thing to do. It made me wish that so many things were different. I wish so much you would have known my children. I wish I could have seen your face as your granddaughter played grave robber and tried to steal all the flowers (somehow I know you would not have appreciated that, but you're not here so neener neener, Pops.), not understanding why mama was crying and looking around for you when her daddy told her that this is where her grandpa is.
I wish we could have understood each other better when you were here. I wish we wouldn't have wasted so much time disagreeing and now I feel the sting of irony that you had to go just when you had finally decided that maybe I was worth knowing. Things were getting better, Dad. I respect all that you did for us, making sure that we had the best foundation in life we could have. You did the best you knew how, and that is all that anyone can do.
I don't feel guilty anymore for not stopping by to see you sooner even though you are only a few minutes away because I realized that you are not in the cold cemetary. You are somewhere better where you are keeping an eye on us. You are gone, but not forgotten as the cliche goes. I see you everytime I look in the mirror, I see you when my children wrinkle their stubby noses at me, I see you in my dreams.
Until next time......
K
Finally, going on 3 years after you passed away, I went to visit your grave today. Laying down on my belly in the grass and running my hand over your headstone while the evening sun went down somehow felt like the right thing to do. It made me wish that so many things were different. I wish so much you would have known my children. I wish I could have seen your face as your granddaughter played grave robber and tried to steal all the flowers (somehow I know you would not have appreciated that, but you're not here so neener neener, Pops.), not understanding why mama was crying and looking around for you when her daddy told her that this is where her grandpa is.
I wish we could have understood each other better when you were here. I wish we wouldn't have wasted so much time disagreeing and now I feel the sting of irony that you had to go just when you had finally decided that maybe I was worth knowing. Things were getting better, Dad. I respect all that you did for us, making sure that we had the best foundation in life we could have. You did the best you knew how, and that is all that anyone can do.
I don't feel guilty anymore for not stopping by to see you sooner even though you are only a few minutes away because I realized that you are not in the cold cemetary. You are somewhere better where you are keeping an eye on us. You are gone, but not forgotten as the cliche goes. I see you everytime I look in the mirror, I see you when my children wrinkle their stubby noses at me, I see you in my dreams.
Until next time......
K
posted by Kirsten at
9:19 PM
3 Comments:
I am sorry. :( Hugs!
Thank you for a wonderful post.
It is often said that a child should not die before a parent, that it isn't the "natural order" of things. But I have found losing a parent isn't "natural" either. Even as an adult there is a feeling of being orphaned - the person that helped bring you into the world is no longer part of the world. I guess that was a long winded way of saying I understand.
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