Do you have like, an hour?
I really should write love letters to Davey much more often. As a reward, he acted like he totally remembered our 1st date anniversary on his own and proceeded to heap on the snuggles and attention. In the past 24 hours I have been cuddled, wooed, taken out to a fancy dinner and fun lunch. How did I manage to meet him for a fabulous lunch date downtown without children on a Tuesday you ask? Well.....I had to go take care of some things for MY NEW JOB! Thanks to friend and my biggest blog fan Tami, I will now be doing invoicing for her business at home 20-30 hrs a week in my free (HA HA HA!) time. I am super stoked because a sister would like some money please and since most folks are for some reason unwilling to give it to me for not working, I thought it was time to try a new tactic.
Goldie had a slumber party with Saint Tanya last night while I was being wined and dined and so I thought that it would be incredibly easy to get myself dressed and Ruby ready for daycare this morning in an hour or less. Since I was going to be meeting about the job, I decided to get really dressed up for the occasion. So I put on the clean t-shirt and jeans that I hadn't worn more than once, maybe twice and the under-tank top that I only wore to bed once and switched the flip flops for Birkenstocks. I even took a shower. Talk about going all out. (I hope you appreciate the lengths I go to for you Tam!)
I had thought I was all ready to grab Roob and skedaddle when I realized I forgot to pack her some of my precious, precious stash of milk for her to have while I was out. In my haste to run up the stairs I felt my shoe hook on the stair and was dropped like....like an overweight 28 year old woman who tripped herself going uphill and fell on her damn face. That's a lot of pounds per square inch that fell on my arm and leg and I just laid there with my face buried into the carpet until I regained my will to live. Things went downhill from there.
The Overly Cheerful Starbucks guy must be reading this blog and retaliating because they totally forgot to put the White Chocolate in my Americano and so it was like coffee.without.sweetness. Holy God. The ice/milk ratio was perfect too. What a waste. Once I cursed and swore that I would one day work the crisis out in therapy, I tried to pacify myself by shoving a chonga bagel into my gaping maw by the fistful. It was approximately 5 secs. after Bagel Inhalation Complete that I started digging the poppy seeds out of my teeth and realized that I would be taking a drug test in like 2 hours and Christ on a Cracker was I going to fail. Opium is made from poppys after all. Then I convinced myself that maybe the Pepcid I took in combination with the Tylenol p.m. would cause a false positive and HOW CAN I FACE TAMI IF I GET A POSITIVE DRUG TEST. Oh My Fuck what am I going to do? SHE KNOWS MY MOM DUDE.
I managed to hold it together long enough to scoop up Goldie and head to Nina The Russian's house where the girls would spend the morning. After all the rushing around I got to New Job Office a full 20 min. early. The old me would have cruised around the block, sat in the car or similar until appointment time. New me has been through so much that I figure I better get my ass in there before anything else happens. All was well. Tami was lovely. Details were discussed. Hopefully, background check was passed. I was off to the drug test where something happened that was so gross and embarrassing it will forthwith be known as That Which Shall Not Be Blogged About. Not trying to bait you, but seriously, I have to draw a line.
Are you still reading this? Like all the way to the end? You really should get a medal or treat yourself to some candy or maybe a Venti Iced Americano with White Chocolate and Cream. As if they could remember all that.
Goldie had a slumber party with Saint Tanya last night while I was being wined and dined and so I thought that it would be incredibly easy to get myself dressed and Ruby ready for daycare this morning in an hour or less. Since I was going to be meeting about the job, I decided to get really dressed up for the occasion. So I put on the clean t-shirt and jeans that I hadn't worn more than once, maybe twice and the under-tank top that I only wore to bed once and switched the flip flops for Birkenstocks. I even took a shower. Talk about going all out. (I hope you appreciate the lengths I go to for you Tam!)
I had thought I was all ready to grab Roob and skedaddle when I realized I forgot to pack her some of my precious, precious stash of milk for her to have while I was out. In my haste to run up the stairs I felt my shoe hook on the stair and was dropped like....like an overweight 28 year old woman who tripped herself going uphill and fell on her damn face. That's a lot of pounds per square inch that fell on my arm and leg and I just laid there with my face buried into the carpet until I regained my will to live. Things went downhill from there.
The Overly Cheerful Starbucks guy must be reading this blog and retaliating because they totally forgot to put the White Chocolate in my Americano and so it was like coffee.without.sweetness. Holy God. The ice/milk ratio was perfect too. What a waste. Once I cursed and swore that I would one day work the crisis out in therapy, I tried to pacify myself by shoving a chonga bagel into my gaping maw by the fistful. It was approximately 5 secs. after Bagel Inhalation Complete that I started digging the poppy seeds out of my teeth and realized that I would be taking a drug test in like 2 hours and Christ on a Cracker was I going to fail. Opium is made from poppys after all. Then I convinced myself that maybe the Pepcid I took in combination with the Tylenol p.m. would cause a false positive and HOW CAN I FACE TAMI IF I GET A POSITIVE DRUG TEST. Oh My Fuck what am I going to do? SHE KNOWS MY MOM DUDE.
I managed to hold it together long enough to scoop up Goldie and head to Nina The Russian's house where the girls would spend the morning. After all the rushing around I got to New Job Office a full 20 min. early. The old me would have cruised around the block, sat in the car or similar until appointment time. New me has been through so much that I figure I better get my ass in there before anything else happens. All was well. Tami was lovely. Details were discussed. Hopefully, background check was passed. I was off to the drug test where something happened that was so gross and embarrassing it will forthwith be known as That Which Shall Not Be Blogged About. Not trying to bait you, but seriously, I have to draw a line.
Are you still reading this? Like all the way to the end? You really should get a medal or treat yourself to some candy or maybe a Venti Iced Americano with White Chocolate and Cream. As if they could remember all that.
posted by Kirsten at
6:22 PM
4 Comments:
God bless ya, girl. When I was your age,(long ago, galaxy far away) - well, first of all, I wasn't even mature enough to entertain the kid idea - I would have fallen to pieces on the stairs and remained there. You rock.
I'll put in a special prayer request regarding your coffee when I swing by Starbucks tomorrow AM. At the very least, you deserve that. (And I love reading your stuff till the end! Fabulous)
Laughing so hard I am speechless . . . I can say though, because I feel for you, I hope Starbucks gets your drink right someday!!!!
Congrats on the new job!
My drink at Starbucks is easier then yours (venti no water vanilla chai) and they still screw it up! Something with those barristas. But on the days they get it right.... HEAVEN!
Best of luck with the new job!
Don't worry about the poppy seeds- I hear you have to eat like 20 bagels for them to even register. 20 bagles is alot. Now, 20 pounds of chocolate on the other hand...
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