Monday, August 20, 2007

You should really try it sometime

Have you ever taken a toddler to use a public restroom? No? Ahhh, then you are unaware of an entire subculture located just below the surface of any sense of normalcy and on the tippy-toe edge of reason. You will be able to identify those associated with Potty Training and the Public Bathroom because they are desperately clutching an economy sized bottle of anti-bacterial goo like a life preserver and will have a look on their face that might be reminiscent of a person who has just survived a long stint in a chamber of horrors. Because they have. Also? Hollow eyes.

You should know that in general I am a public restroom-aphob. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I use my sleeve to open the door. Sometimes I don't wash my hands because I am too afraid of the sink handle. Public bathrooms=fucking yuck. Unfortunately my daughter does not share my sentiment.

This is a typical outing with Goldie:

  • Enter store, ask her if she has to potty? She seems offended by question and screams "Nooooooo" and she is thinking " My mom is sooooo lame. Geesh. If I had to potty I totally would have told her so. "
  • Walk to opposite end of store, begin shopping. Hear small voice coming from cart. " Goldie go potty! potty, potty, potty!"
  • Sigh and head back to restroom located approximately 5 miles away.
  • Park cart, gather up baby and toddler. Brace myself for what is about to happen. Enter bathroom Tell her not to touch anything.
  • She touches everything.
  • She chooses the most disgusting stall with indescribable nastiness left from the previous user. I steer her toward another stall.
  • Tantrum
  • She grabs toilet seat, handle, bits of used toilet paper and the tampon receptacle and asks "what's that?" as she fondles each item.
  • My head explodes and I convulse with visions of what she has just touched crawling into our skin.
  • She refuses to pee.
  • Leave bathroom and try to recover from what I have just seen and smelled.
  • Goldie wets her pants.
  • Guess where I get to go to change her pants?!


Anonymous Andy said...

Mine is absolutely terrified of public restrooms. We used one with the loudest flush ever and now she won't even step foot in a public restroom. She hasn't peed her pants in public yet, but our day is sure to come.

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you blog... just found you recently. My son adds to this nightmare by trying to escape, by crawling under the door (yes hands on the nasty floor) or now as he is bigger tries to open the door while Mommy is still sitting on the toilet. The joys of motherhood.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Mixed Up Me said...

I HATE public restrooms. I am so incredibly frightened of them. IF I absolutely HAVE to use one, I flush the toilet with my foot!!

9:55 PM  
Blogger mommy~dearest said... familiar about public restroom antics. Yes, my son has jiggled that nasty tampon receptacle, taken the paper off of the seat before he sits down, and scooted under the door on his belly.

Makes me not want to claim him as mine. "Somebody get that nasty kid away from me!"

6:25 AM  
Blogger MomSmoo said...

Makes me so happy to not be anywhere near the potty training stage! Although, I am not all that scared of public restrooms (had to get over that while pg since i couldn't go 10 minutes without peeing). Then again, my boys will stand to pee, so maybe that makes it even better!

Good luck.

7:13 AM  
Blogger melodyann said...

Oh my God, this is funny. Goldie sounds like my Hopie, way back yonder when she was teenie. All I can say is, Dude, get over your fear of germs, because I am here to tell you, you are fighting a losing battle.

I need you to meet my friend Lu, because she has a great fear of germs and public bathrooms too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Buy some WIPEY things, Kirsten, and take the plunge into GERMLAND!!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Tug said...

You crack me up...your writing is just what I needed. awesome.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Kian said...

Disclaimers. Warning signs. I keep telling you about these and yet you continue to post without them and I am forced to continue to either Mama Cass it with the lunch or clean up a lot of coughed up gunk from my screen.

You crack me up!

12:02 PM  

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