Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Another Love Letter to my Husband

Davey my Davey,

This one has been a long time coming and I don't know where to start. I am hoping if I just put fingers to keyboard, words will come out and form sentences and magically at the end of it all you will know all of the things sitting on the tip of my tongue that go unsaid. Right now in so many ways it feels like our world has fallen apart around us. But here we are. Everything is so Goddamn hard. But we don't argue. What surprises me about our life is not that there are struggles, rather I continue to marvel at the miracle I live every day to have found you to struggle alongside me. My perfect match. Your willingness to let me be who I am and do what I must without blame or guilt or anger, continues to amaze me. Home is a safe place. Home is where you are.

This season of life feels so bittersweet. The realization of our dream to be the parents our girls need us to be and do the work that needs to be done to satisfy our ambition and conscience comes at a price. When I look back on the past 4.5 years and recount all that we have done, blessings we have received, crisis' we have been through, all we have built and torn down again, there is no wonder why we both feel like we have been hit by a truck at the end of every day. At night when the girls are finally asleep and we look at each other wearily absorbing the first quiet moment together of the day. I loathe this moment because I know that one way or another, someone is going to be disappointed. One of us has to work. The other one is tired. The phone rings. Your show is on. The kids start crying. I don't feel good. We are spent. There is nothing left to give. I am smiling as I type this because you and I both know that others who read this will think I am making some veiled reference to sex. Ha! I'm sure that would be great, but at this point, finding a moment to really listen to the other without distractions and talk about our day would probably be more satisfying.

I still haven't found the words that I was hoping for, and so I will try one more time. Thank you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally when I am decidedly unlovable and selfish and have left you to contend with the chaos I inevitably leave in my wake. Thank you for your steadfast belief that we are going to be together and in love and okay without exception. You matter. You matter to me even when I am inconsiderate. I am desperate for you even when I am being distant. You are the reason for everything......

And I adore you.

1 Comments:

Blogger Scout's Honor said...

That's so sweet. Keep on keep on loving each other and celebrating the small moments.

~Scout

4:04 PM  

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