Sunday, May 03, 2009

Church Weekend Survival Guide

As most of you know, I don't get out much anymore. But wait! There's hope! This past weekend I discovered a secret that my mother never shared with me and now I will pass it on to you: The out of town all weekend church meeting! Like camp without the bugs or wood cookies! This is decidedly brilliant because not only will your husband not want to come, but will be forced to stay home with the kids because, really? What type of person would deny you a weekend of service to your church. In return for your cleverness, if you choose your travel partners wisely and also belong to a denomination who likes to serve Jesus with a side of debauchery, you will surely have a good time.

Church Weekend Survival Guide

1. Spring for the hotel. (this is perhaps the only rule I followed) Under no circumstance should you accept the invitation to do the Stay in Random Old People's Houses. Think denture cups and weird smells. No wifi. High probability of encountering yappy dog with painted nails. Do feel free to pilfer homemade brownies wrapped in napkins that you can shove in your purse for later that the old ladys will bring to meetings. Old ladys don't skimp on butter.

2. Do not feel compelled to drink the whole effing bottle of wine followed by more wine. Resist consuming entire block of cheese chased with full pound of salami. This will be regretable.

3. If you do drink the whole effing bottle of wine, have the decency to shut your wine hole and pass out like a reasonable church lady instead of further humiliating yourself by over sharing SUPREMELY INAPPROPRIATE information with your co-travelers. Oh God. (Note to self: avoid future eye contact and seek new church.) Oh God.

4. Do not include the word Fuck repeatedly in your conversations with other church members or in exclamation at The Fucking Coffeepot that you are still too Fucking drunk to operate at 7 in the Fucking a.m. after drinking The Whole Fucking Bottle of Effing Wine, or respectable people may become suspicious that you include this word on a regular basis in your home. Fuck me.

5. Bring distractions for the actual planned events. Pass notes. Take walks. Disturb your neighbors. Bring laptop for some Free Cell. Pay attention to exactly one activity because someone will surely ask you to drag your sorry ass in front of your congregation to tell what you learned. Hopefully the hangover will have passed by this time. I was not this lucky.

6. This may be the most important advice of all: Shut up. Seriously. We all know you don't get out much. Please do not make this point exagerated by way speaking so profusely that you have actual froth coming out of your mouth. See Also: Do not overshare SUPREMELY INAPPROPRIATE information with people you would like to make eye contact with in the future.

Fuckity fuck.


Blogger Arlene M. Spencer said...

You are not enough of a nerd to adore the Sci Fi Channel's recent series remake of "Battlestar Galactica", but I offer their swear word to replace (everyone's favorite), "Fuck!": go with "Frak". It may be used as 'fuck' is. For example, "Are you frak'n kidding me with the dog's painted nails?" or "What the frak am I saying," two bottles of wine, later.

9:38 AM  

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