Open Letters

Dear Angry Man in the Giant Truck Who Tailgated me for 20 Miles,

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that, in case you didn't notice, we were driving in the center of a typhoon type situation on a road that has not been paved since approximately 1939. Do you know what happens to a highway when it has a lot of traffic and old pavement? It has deep grooves in the road. Do you know what those grooves fill with during a typhoon? Yes! Very good! They fill with water.

While I was somewhat flattered at first by the honking, weaving and flashing of lights, I was unable to respond in kind as I was busy, you know, HYDROPLANING. I hope that you were able to release your frustration without inflicting either your fists or undoubtedly GIANT genitalia on either woman nor canine.

Sincerely,

Not 90 Years Old, I Just Drive That Way


Dear Friends Who Took Us Out to Breakie This Weekend,

Had I realized that you were going to pay for our food, I totally would have ordered another morning cocktail. We had a great time! But one more coffee nudge at 10 a.m. would have taken it to a whole 'nother level.

Thanks again!
Kirsten


Dear Ruby,

While I appreciate the fact that you were actually sick this time after waiting for an hour in urgent care, did you have to make a fool of me by cooing at each staff member individually after I listed the reason that I had brought you in was INCONSOLABLE, CONSTANT SCREAMING?

I hope the Tylenol makes your raw throat feel better. Please don't make me sick again or I am putting you on Craigslist.

Love,
Mama

Dear Kaiser Permanente Urgent Care,

Surprisingly, I have no snide remarks to make. You were efficient and skillful. You were kind enough to let me have an empty exam room to nurse in as I was in no mood to show my hooters to the motley crew of phlegm guzzling freaks in the waiting room. You even had a sense of humor.

Thanks,
Grateful to be Insured