Swimmingly

Davey had the day off today for the holiday. I decided to use the opportunity to take Goldie meet up with my friend and her baby for the little kid/parent swim time at the community center while Davey had Roob at home. Brillers.

This is the part where I confess to the Internet one of my biggest phobias. The pool deck. No I am not afraid of falling in, I am afraid of the slimy goo that coats the concrete floor. As a child I would tippy toe around the pool and since I spent a very large portion of time at the pool, my mother actually took me to the dr. to see if there was something wrong with my feet. Had she asked me I would have told her that just because I was four, it did not mean I couldn't be grossed out because OMG there is someone else's hair on the floor and IT IS LOOKING AT ME. This fear has not improved. I do not under any circumstances go barefoot on that floor and I actually just threw up a little thinking about it. I find it interesting that I spent ten years of my life on swim team and even played water polo in high school. Please do not ask me the rules to water polo, however, because I do not know. I only remember that I liked going to practice because they were at 5 a.m. and the pool floor? Dry at 5 a.m. Also, I once knocked myself out with a rubber covered brick that we had to hold over our heads and tread water. I dropped it. On my head. Just so you know.

My post baby swimsuit is one skirt shy of the one your grandmother wears. The back comes up to my neck and the leg openings almost qualify as shorts. I try to use my children as a diversion so no one will look at me. Isn't my kid cute? Yes she is! Now look away. My friend and I were having a lovely time. The pool was very crowded. I was thinking about how much fun we had at Goldie's birthday party here when we rented it out for ourselves and how much she had like the two story tall slide, too bad it wasn't open today. Then I lifted Goldie to the side so she could jump in and she took off like a rocket. I knew where that little shit was headed immediately: The Slide. I was in about four feet of water with no ladder nearby. I started to head for the steps when I realized that Rocket Girl was barrelling up the stairs to the slide. Thank you Ineffectual Adolescent Lifeguards for not having any idea what was going on. I realized what I had to do. I heaved my giant body onto the disgusting deck in one motion like a beached whale. I sprung to my feet and I hauled ass to catch her. When I finally got to her she was a mere three steps from the top of the slide and probably her death. Motherfucker. I don't even want to think about the visual that I treated the entire pool to as I shook both chins, four cheeks and two giant hooters sprinting to get to her in time. You're welcome.

Also, a special thanks to the naked old woman in the locker room with her boobs tucked under her armpits. I love it when strangers take time out of their busy day to question my parenting and make thinly veiled insults. No ma'am those I didn't know that her swimsuit would leave those marks. Yes she is a big girl. Yes indeed, she is a good eater. Let me know if you need the name of a good nursing home a-hole.