Wednesday, September 12, 2007

And the poop stories keep coming

Another doozy today. I hate being stuck in the house. I like to be out and about doing whatever it is that I do. Go to the park, meet up with friends, whatever. Today I was stuck inside with two weeny whiners because we were waiting for the inspector to come tell us that it is ok to close up the walls of the kitchen. They said between 8-12. They did not arrive until 12:15. Fuck me.

Basically, the kids were bored. Very bored. When I finally thought that I had earned a moment of quiet reflection while I was nursing Roob and Goldie was off being so good, I found this:

She found the effing lipstick. Bad quality pic, but I figure that you people are going to stop believing my wild toddler stories if I don't post proof. Two baths and a slathering of cold cream later she is still looking bruised and sun burnt.

I can't leave this post without a poop story because as you are starting to understand, chaos ensues every time my child defecates. Early this a.m. I had just gotten Goldie dressed and had moved on to Ruby when I saw a naked toddler streak down the hallway. I got upset that blah blah just put your clothes on blah blah when I noticed turds falling behind her when she ran. I got her directed to the potty chair to finish when she insisted she was done, then stood up and peed on the floor. I pulled the potty into the front room so I could keep an eye on things which becomes important later in our story. Three hours later I had just given up on Mclate inspectorpants when Goldie bounces up to me and says "Goldie! Potty!!" so I put on my best so-excited-for-you-to-not-pee-on-my-floor face and was all "good girl! sit on the potty!" At that moment, two things happened: I looked out in front of my house and saw the inspector pull up and then I looked at Goldie who in turn looked at me, made a face and grunted in her most gravelly toddler voice "Goldie pooooooop." No. I have been waiting for this jackass for like 5 years and he has to show up at the precise moment that someone is POOPING IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. Have you ever seen a grown woman in the fetal position?

I grabbed the potty full of poop and stuck it in another room and then frantically tried to get panties on the child who had not been wiped and was still covered in red lipstick. I am really surprised that child services hasn't been here yet. Maybe tomorrow.


Blogger LIBSMOM said...

And you can be sure, IF they come, they'll be late too. County people have their own version of the 12 hour clock.
I actually liked the quality of the picture but only have one story to liken with your lipstick experience and it involves babypowder and my toddler's desire to have it "snow" in the house.

5:20 AM  
Blogger Kian said...

OMG too funny. And sad. Definitely I feel sorry for you. (I'm saying this in the hopes that I won't jinx myself with Ian).


9:06 AM  
Blogger mommy~dearest said...

Awesome! And just in case you get bored, you can tell the girls all about the wonders of Desitin- and how butt-cream makes you really slippery and shiny (and also doesn't wash out well from hair).

Lesson learned from my own feral spawn.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

oh girl! i don't know how you do it! i would have just sat and cried. i'm going to be a GREAT mom!!! LOL. i bow down before you. ;)

9:39 AM  
Blogger melodyann said...

Mclate Inspectorpants made me heehaw. The lipstick picture made me spit diet coke on my computer screen. The poo story made me blow OUT the smoke I had just puffed from my cig. Dude. You probably just gave me like, 3 more seconds of life....

When Hopie was a toddler, I had given her a bath one day and was getting ready to go drop off a resume for my husband with his prospective employer. I walked in the kitchen, Hopie was nude, covered in Karo syrup and dog hair, and the dog was coated in syrup too. She said, "me 'otion the doggie mommy...."

6:39 PM  
Blogger katydidnot said...

these much fun. glad it wasn't a sharpie.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Sabrina said...

Wow! I bet that was fun to clean! Looks like she was going for the clown appearance. Perhaps ICP? LOL!!

2:04 PM  

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