Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Second Verse, Same as the First

Welcome to rantville, population 1.This does not promise to be very entertaining reading, but does promise to be long to the point of ZZZZZzzzzzzzz because OMG I swear I totally already wrote this post in 2005. The Milk. The Fucking Milk. Let me start at the beginning and you will see that I am totally being Ridiculous to the point of being Ridonkulous about this not to mention incredibly boring to anyone who is not me or married to me, in which case it is still boring but you would have to pretend to be interested for the sake of keeping your loins intact because the wife? She is obsessed. For some unknown reason, there isn't enough milk in the afternoon. I have no clue why. I seem to be about 4 oz short of what she needs. I pump. I take EVERYTHING available to help in this sort of situtation. I am still half-boob empty.

Why am I beating myself up over this? Basically? The supply-demand theory is a lie. All day I have been trying to figure out why this is so important to me. I actually tried to give her some formula today. I couldn't physically do it. I cried. She cried. I felt like a failure. I have this vision of how I want things to go starring me as some earth-mother-goddess-type whipping it out wherever I need to because the baby? She is a hungry hungry hippo. In my vision I am a Lactivist who participates in every nurse-in to promote women and babies and IN YOUR FACE HOOTER HATERS.

Reality is somewhat different. I hate hate hate (HATE!) nursing in front of people. It freaks me out. I break out in a cold sweat and am waiting for someone to glare or yell at me. I secretly want to crawl in a hole and die.

But I want to do this. For a year again. My Ruby Doobie deserves it. I don't think I am being very realistic that I won't need to supplement though. My friend St. Tanya who so kindly invited us to breakfast this a.m. thinks I am crazy and SERIOUSLY KIRSTEN, FEED YOUR DAMN BABY ALREADY. Even my LC (Hi Barb!) thinks I am crazy and is like give her a bottle if she needs it or if I feel like it. Incidentally, the charming Barb! came for a lovely dinner last weekend because if you spend a certain amount of time forcing someone to look at your boobs, dinner is really the only polite thing you can do and bruschetta is a tasty way to say that you care.

In closing. I have lost my damn mind and even though I know that this is a very small item in the long list that will be Problems With My Children, it is weighing heavily on my mind and am praying for some perspective.........*sigh*

8 Comments:

Blogger Julie said...

De-lurking..

Nursing is such an emotional thing, I know. I went through a brutal fight to get it to work with my daughter and every day was like yours: I want this to work, I want this to be it, I want this more than anything...but oh my God I just can't!

But eventually I did, and I'm so grateful it worked by some twist of luck and magic, b/c it wasn't me. So I completely get it when women agonize and wind up beating themselves up for doing what's in the best interest of the kid, really. Feed your baby however you have to. You're a great mom.

That said, peak milk time is around 6 am. If she's not draining both sides right then, maybe try pumping then and storing that up for the afternoon. Y'know, cuz what else would you be doing at 6am?

7:39 AM  
Anonymous Andy said...

You have every right to be obsessed, afterall, you are talking about feeding your baby. I totally understand how you feel though. That 80oz from the beach trip I pumped (you commented, I'm not crazy, right?) well it's GONE. Gone. Every last ounce of it. So, I'm clearly not pumping as much as he's eating every day. This last week we've had to give him a formula bottle every day. And while he's getting what he needs and because I'm still pumping everything is actually really ok, I can't help but feel like a complete failure. I've done it all too, fenugreek, mothers milk, beer, brewers yeast, the "straw" tricks, pictures of baby - hell I've even called home to hear him cry while I'm pumping and it's still not working. Some sessions I get 1oz, some it's 6.

I have no advice, I really don't. You nursed for a year before so you already know so much more than me, but I just identify with how you feel and had to say something.

Ok, I wrote a whole book, so I'm done now.

8:32 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Man. I could have written this! Also hate to nurse in public even though I know I'm "supposed" to be all earth mothery girl power about it and just whip them out whenever. And what's worse than nursing in public for me even is nursing in front of sort of relatives...father in law, etc. Ick.

And sometimes (although not alot because I am lucky) it seems like there isn't enough milk and I just can't do formula. I just can't let myself do it. It's like for me it has to be all or nothing or I will feel I failed. Or I'm afraid if I break down and do the formula once then I will have crossed some invisible line I can't ever get back over? Sigh.
Anyway, I have no useful advice. Just wanted to say I enjoy your blog and I'm right there with you on the whole boob thing.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Her Grace said...

I could have written this too. I don't know if I had supply problems with my first or not, but I do know that I pretty much let her feed whenever, so she had a full tummy at least.

With my second, though, I started noticing a lot of fussiness around four months. She would feed, take a nap, and wake up 1/2 hour later FURIOUS. She'd latch back on, then scream even louder. I just didn't have enough for her.

It's so SO hard when nursing is one of your goals. The doctor kept assuring me she was plenty plump and was getting enough, but it was plain to see she was frustrated.

I ultimately ended up supplementing and she calmed right down. I felt better, because I knew she was finally getting her hunger needs met, but I felt awful because I really wanted to nurse her for a year.

This part you may not want to read (and I'm truly not trying to influence your decision. If I had to do it again, I'd do it the same way, but it was still a disappointment.) She took to the bottle so well that she began to prefer it, and I ended up weaning her from the breast at 6 months.

Disappointment aside, she's strong and healthy and smart as a whip. She does get a wee bit of eczema on her cheeks now and then, which makes me crazed with guilt, but then so does her sister who nursed for nearly two years.

Hang tough. Hope that you and baby work things out!

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how crazy-making!...
Have you read "ask moxie"?
http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/

She is the queen of these types of situations... nursing strikes... inexplicable milk issues... etc

also
http://www.kellymom.com/
lots of great technical info

good luck with the milkies!
sarah

2:34 PM  
Blogger MomSmoo said...

With L -- I had supply issues. All supplements sucked for me and were worthless BUT mothers milk tea. Since supply doesn't seem to be bad in the morning, can you pump some in the morning for use in a bottle in the afternoon (what I needed to do with R during growth spurt times).

Sending you hugs. Hopefully you figure something out that works for you both.

6:52 AM  
Blogger mommy~dearest said...

Honey! The "supply and demand" theory was bunk for me too. I was just unable to make as much as Rylan wanted to eat, no matter what I did or whose advice I followed. Yes, for the non-believers, I did have a lactation consultant.

I ended up supplementing with formula. It made for happier baby, and happier mom. Do what you gotta do, and don't feel like you're a failure.

You are the uber-mom. Rock on.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Nancy @ World Wide Rolves said...

How old is she? 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, and 6 monts are standard times for growth spurts...could she be hitting one of those?

I always make enough milk for two babies, which is another kind of awful...and WAY too messy to do in public.

7:05 PM  

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